Love Ramble

Tonight a friend of mine that I graduated with messaged me to say hi and to tell me that she was thinking about me. Nothing else. It was so sweet and innocent. It made my night. Sometimes it's just nice to know that someone somewhere is thinking about you, she explained in a message to a group of our friends.

Life is a beautiful thing. The web that we create connecting ourselves to people and the complicated relationships we form allow us the stability to never be alone. Even in those isolated moments of "I wish I had someone" or "I feel all alone" it isn't the case. The sad thing is, we don't always know it. It is possible to be surrounded by friends and family, loved ones that are near and dear and still be craving for more. And different people deal with this differently. The distractions of the world aren't helpful to the constant search for love and affection: what with things like facebook, instagram, tinder, grinder, twitter, and every online dating service that exists we are able to fuel ourselves with false feelings of being desired by someone out there in the world, a stranger. The conventions of the modern dating world - the fact that it is socially acceptable to have one night stands, multiple fuck buddies, hook up pals, and friends with benefits makes us feel a false sense of being loved. But we all do it and we all take part in it and we enjoy it. It's fun. It's fun to feel sexy and desired and pretend to feel loved, even if it's by someone you don't know.

So what's the problem? What's my point?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while all those things we distract ourselves with are fun, they shouldn't be necessary. They shouldn't be things that we hold on to to take away a deeper pain, an emptiness, the feeling of wanting something that you don't have. I've always found that the love of a friend or family member is 100 times deeper and more pure than the love of a significant other. Call me cynical, jaded, or unromantic, but no man will ever love me the way my parents do, the way my best friend does. It's just a fact. And that's okay. And the sooner we all take a moment to feel ourselves surrounded by our family and friends, the more we will realize that we are never alone.

If you can imagine that somewhere someone in the world is thinking about you - maybe it's just a friend you went to school with - you'll realize that you are fuller inside than you could've ever imagined and that you aren't alone.

Inspired

I am so utterly inspired by my choreography class. Today we spent a good 20 minutes improvising to five different songs, and created our own percussive music in the middle of it. It was amazing to see everyone's progress from the start of the improv to the end. We created stories that were completely unexpected, but after thinking about it it made complete sense that those are the stories we would come up with. I believe that we create based on what we know, and the issues that we are dealing with. Creativity has an incredible ability to dig itself deep down into people's hearts and minds and that's exactly what happened today.

It was beautiful to see the unification of the group and the trust that we had for one another. We are an ensemble and it's so special. This will be the fourth year our ensemble is working together and the time we have together is precious. Moments like this remind me how lucky I am to have people I can create with and feel free to explore with. It made me want to explore more. I didn't want class to be over. Even though some of the stories we were telling were heavy, I felt fantastic afterwards. I felt renewed and ready to try again. I wanted to try again.

I have so many choreographic ideas in my head. I always have. When trying to think of what I want to do for my final project for this class I thought I was going to take one of my pre-existing ideas and make it come to life. But now I'm thinking that I just want to improvise for days and come up with something inspired by that. I could've stayed in that dance studio for hours creating piece after piece based on what I had discovered in my exploration. I don't want to set limitations on myself. I wanna see how far I can go. I wanna reach the end of what I can do and then go further. See what happens.

It truly is incredible what people can do when they give themselves the freedom to not be inhibited, or shy, scared, nervous, self conscious, or afraid.

Sometimes I Draw

I'm an inspired person. Meaning, I get inspired easily and if I don't follow through on my inspirations they nag at me until I do it. Sometimes I get inspired to draw. Drawing isn't something I consider myself particularly good at. I wouldn't consider myself a visual artist. But it isn't something I'm necessarily bad at either. It gives me joy, releases stress, and is therapeutic. I wanted to share some of my drawings on here, starting with my most recent one, which I did about twenty minutes ago.

My stuff always has some sort of quote incorporated into it. I think words and quotes can be very powerful. One of my favorite artists right now is Story People. I connect very easily with their stuff. 

Broadway Cares/Equity Fights Aids

Today was such a beautiful day. I volunteered this morning to help set up the Broadway Flea Market and support an organization very close to my heart. It felt so good to be there with a huge group of fellow Wagner Theater students representing our school and what we stand for. Besides the fact that I think Wagner's theater department offers top notch training, there's something else that makes Wagner Theater stand out among its competitors. And it's the simple fact that this student body cares. We have huge hearts. How many other 18-22 year olds would wake up (or pull an all-nighter) at 5:30 in the morning right after a huge party the night before to help unload trucks full of tables, chairs, and boxes of goodies while battling hangovers galore? We are a family. We are Wagner strong. And I'm proud to be part of it.

One of the reasons I love the flea market is because I get to see a community of aspiring Broadway hopefuls and seasoned professionals come together as one to raise money for a fight against AIDs. Being that it is 2013 it's easy to forget or push aside the struggle of HIV/AIDs. But the horrible truth is that the fight against AIDs isn't over. It isn't a dead issue. In fact, it's far from being a dead issue. It's very much alive and it's affecting people every single day. We don't talk about it because this isn't the 1980s. We don't hear about it in the news anymore. And sadly enough, I'm still disgusted with the highly inaccurate negative stigma that surrounds HIV/AIDs. More people should be informed and educated. More people should know the facts rather than the myths. I think it's something that needs to be talked about more often. Once a year isn't good enough since people are contracting the virus every single day. Scratch that, according to aids.gov, every 9.5 minutes someone in the U.S. alone is infected with HIV.

I got to be with my Wagner family today, and I got to see alumni, directors from last year, and a lot of my OPTC summer family. I felt so lucky to be surrounded by so many special people in my life in one day. On my way home I realized how much my life is filled with love and how lucky I am that I can say that.

At the flea market there was a box filled with these fabulous red high heels. They had your name written all over them, Justy. I don't know who went home with a pair of those beautiful shoes but I know that whoever it was will not be able to strut in them as gracefully as you would've been able to.

This & That

Yesterday morning I spent two hours researching possible photographers to use when I get my headshots taken. This morning we took our senior theater performance class picture for showcase. Tonight I began working on my senior thesis paper. I still can't believe that I'm a senior and yet somehow all of this feels like it's supposed to be happening. Well, it does and it doesn't. I'm still trying to process the fact that next September I will not be a returning student at Wagner College. I'm also still trying to put into words what all of this "senior year" crap feels like versus what I think it's supposed to feel like. But I guess this IS what it's supposed to feel like. It's confusing. Bizarre. Seems too soon. But also not soon enough. It's scary. But REALLY exciting. It's hectic. Busy. So far it's going by really fast. But not fast enough. It's also going by really slow. But not slow enough. The list of this and that is never ending. 

But one thing I know for sure. And this is something that I am positive about. There's no other side to this: I am so happy, proud, honored, and humbled to part of the Wagner College Senior Theater Performance Class of 2014. It's an amazing group of talented individuals. It's also an incredible group of really loving people. We began our journey together in the fall of 2010. And I'm so excited to see where our journey takes us this year and beyond. 

A silly shot of us laughing during our showcase photo shoot this morning. 

"Hows senior year?!?!"

What do you say when someone asks you how your senior year of college is going when it's been the hardest two weeks of your life? This happened to me just the other day. I didn't know what to say. Do I lie and say that it's going great in order to avoid being a huge debbie downer? Or do I tell the truth and talk about how even though my classes are wonderful, I'm going through something that nobody should ever have to experience? It's an awkward situation and it feels like it will be something I struggle with for a while.

Dealing with the loss of a friend my own age was not something I expected to happen only a few months after my 21st birthday. If life were perfect, I wouldn't have had to deal with a death of a friend until I was well into my 70s or 80s. These past two weeks have been like a roller coaster ride. My friends and I have had to re-learn how to laugh and joke around. Laughter has proven to be the best medicine, along with the support of an extremely loving community, kindness, and unity.

I feel like I'm living in a play I read, or a movie I watched, or a suicide prevention film that my high school health teacher showed our class. It doesn't feel like real life. I don't know if it will ever feel like real life. We all thought that the funeral and burial would be a necessary reality check for all of us. But it still felt just as surreal as it did that first night when we lit candles on the oval, sang "Seasons Of Love" and shared funny Justin stories.

Tonight I wrote to Justin in the leather notebook my friends and I have been passing around. I had avoided writing in the notebook for about a week because the thought of 'my last words to Justin' was daunting and disturbing. But then I realized I can always talk to him. For the rest of my life I can talk to him. Ever since my Grandpa died when I was fourteen I've been skeptical about the existence of God and heaven because at the time it was much easier for me to believe that the doctors could make a mistake while doing heart surgery on my Grandfather if there were no God. How could God, if he does exist, let something like that happen? And so I turned my back on God, on religion, and on the idea of heaven. But now, 7 years later, I feel a little differently. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe it's because Justin decided to end his life at the young age of 22. Maybe it's because I'm more mature. But whatever the reason is I know this: it gives me comfort to think of Justin strutting into heaven, teaching all the angels how to twerk to Beyonce, and living his afterlife just as fully as he lived his life on earth. And so I know that I can always talk to Justin whenever I want to because even though his body is no longer with us, his spirit and his energy are. And so what I wrote in that notebook is only the beginning of a lifelong conversation I will be having with my dear friend.

So what do I do for now? Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around campus like a zombie. Sometimes I feel extremely emotional. And sometimes I actually feel happy. The only thing we can do is hang in there and support one another, which is what we've been doing.

Cleaning Out

I cleaned out my room a little bit today. Got rid of a lot of stuff, mostly clothes, that I don't need, or want, or have the room for. I found $20 in a box on my desk which was nice. I found my number from my first audition for a Broadway show. I found a lot of old t-shirts from high school. Battle t-shirts, STAC t-shirts, sweatshirts from everyone's bar/bat mitzvahs and sweet 16s. I found bras that don't fit. And a lot of other things of expired sentimental value. I say they're expired because they meant a lot to me in middle school or in high school. I can appreciate the importance of these objects to that part of my life. And now, with only two weeks left until I'm 21, those objects don't mean much to me anymore. It's funny how your perspective changes as you grow up. Something that seems like life and death when you're 17, just isn't that big of a deal almost 4 years later. And of course I believe that everything in my life happened for a reason. The events, the people I've known, they all helped me learn and grow and made me who I am today. But we grow up. We move on. It's normal and natural and I'm happy with it. Today I laughed at myself and my life and my 14 year old self. And I'm sure that 4 years from now when I'm looking back on my 20 year old self, I'll be laughing as well. And I'm not devaluing anything. I'm not saying that any moment is unimportant because they're all important. Our lives are made up of moments and each moment has the potential of contributing greatly to who we are and our journeys. It's just, when you look back on it after the fact, it's different. It's ironic how much I love the story of Peter Pan. I've loved it ever since I was four years old. It's ironic because Peter Pan does everything in his power to keep from growing up, and here I am, completely okay with it. In fact, I'm excited for it. I think about my future, the possibilities of what it will bring, and I'm excited to find out. I think about this summer and I can't wait to start working. Yipee.