AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!

Spring break? No way. It's going to be like home school. Wake up at 8. Do sociology homework, PIG paper stuff, study for AP psych because I have a test the Tuesday we come back, do my AP Lit 5 centuries of poetry research project, do practice AP Lit exam assignments, write a practice summary, art history STACaPEDIA entry, Brecht summary, 2 charcoal drawings with a written statement, a revised artist statement, prepare a book presentation, and shoot/edit a movie. Go to sleep at 12 AM. Wake up at 8 the next day and do it all over again. Not to mention, my last college audition, seeing a show at Muhlenberg which basically takes up a whole day, going prom dress shopping, going to passover Seders, and starting to make my decision about which college I want to go to next year. Deposits are due May 1st, which means I have to make my decision about a week prior to that. !@#$%&*&^@#$ Alright so I guess you could say seeing the show and going dress shopping are fun things, but in the context of everything else I have to do, they're going to be rushed and will turn into something I have to do, not something I want to do. I know I'll get everything done. I have some weird ability to be able to do things like that, I just wish that my Senior spring break wasn't so jam packed with work, work, work. What happened to "Yay it's spring break! Let's have sleepovers and go into the city, and take dance classes and see Broadway shows and have some fun."??? So maybe you're saying well why did you save everything for spring break. I kind of didn't have a choice. I just finished a show. I've been doing work constantly. Staying up until midnight or 1 AM every night doing work. I'm turning into a hobbit. I stay in my room and do homework. I only leave my room to go to school or dance. No joke. Second semester of senior year is supposed to be easy. I don't ever remember being this bogged down with work during this time of year. Ever. And I'm blogging because it's supposed to make me feel better, but I'm not sure if it is. I work my ass off all the time, and it's paying off with all these college acceptances and stuff, but I don't even have time to really appreciate them. I celebrate for ten minutes, and then it's back to work. And then there's the issue of sleep. Do I stay up as late as possible doing work and risk getting sick from sleep deprivation or do I take care of myself and go to sleep?

AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Theater traditions

My mom is the theater arts director at the Sid Jacobson JCC in East Hills and she produces five or six shows a year. Every year I choreograph the show for the 3rd-5th grade group. This year we did Grease. Interesting choice for kids who don't understand much about sex, pregnancy, and cigarettes. Anyway, today before their final performance, I was in the dance studio with all the kids and this one little girl Paulina starts gathering all the kids together in a circle. I've known Paulina since she was five years old. She's now a fifth grader. I used to do all the summer stock shows at the JCC, so I've worked with her a lot. Before shows, it was always a summer stock tradition to shake it out, do the hokie pokie, and pass the pulse. Similar to the High School traditions that we do every year before the show. So Paulina starts gathering all the kids together to do the traditional warm ups. I was so proud to see that my group of friends and I had left behind some sort of legacy doing shows there, that was now being passed on to a new group of kids. It was really cool. We taught them well.

You'll Never Walk Alone

Another Herricks High School show has come to an end. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to everyone who came to support me and the rest of the cast, crew, and pit. Thank you so much for being a fabulous audience every single night. You restored my faith in Herricks theatrical audiences.

It's still really strange being a senior. When the alumni came opening night, I kept thinking of them as "the seniors" when in actuality they're college freshman and I'm a senior. I made my "senior speech" before the show yesterday. Now that was really weird. The past 3 years, I've listened to seniors give speeches, but this time it was me who was making one. I didn't really know what to say, although I'm pretty sure words can't express what I want to express. It's important to me that the traditions continue. The warm-ups are the same ones we've been doing since middle school and the idea of a senior speech is special too. There's a legacy that each group of graduating seniors leaves. And we want that legacy to be passed down so that we're not forgotten. "As long as there is one person...who remembers you-it isn't over." (the Heavenly Friend) That's whats so unique about school shows. They don't have the professionalism that a professional production has, but they have a bond between cast members that can only be acquired through years of going to school together. I've grown up with certain members of this cast, and that is what makes it so hard to take the final bow.

Thank you so much to the entire cast, crew, and pit for making my senior show at Herricks a memorable one. I am honored to have had the chance to work with all of you before I graduate. And who knows? Maybe some of us will get to work again some day in the future...

"Walk on with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone. You'll never walk alone"

P.S. - Good news, good news! This past weekend, I got acceptances into musical theater programs at Wagner and Cortland!

Welcome to hell week

The show is going to be beautiful. I was talking to Megan today and it's amazing how lights make it look like an actual show. The chunks are coming together, under some really cool looking lighting. I'm throwing myself into this show and absolutely loving it. My lifts with Jared today were the smoothest they've ever been. The dance is exhausting. When I throw myself into the bed, my chest is rising and falling so violently. It's a great workout!! And it's really fun to dance with the people I'm dancing with. We're all working so hard, and it makes me really proud of all of us. Also, today the scene between Doug and I was scary as heck! I feel like I actually forgot that I was talking to Douglas Fabian. And the look on Doug's face when he is about to show me the star-I felt like he was a pedophile or something. It was really sketchy. But I like it. When I got off stage I felt like I had been sucked into a vacuum and thrown back out again. It was weird. But cool.

=]

I've gotten so much stuff done the past few days and I feel fabulous! "I feel good, dur dur dur dur dur dur dur. I knew that I would, dur dur dur dur dur dur dur. I feel nice, dur dur dur dur dur dur dur. Like sugar and spice!"

And that's the end of today's blog. He he he

More lessons

The past week has been filled with a lot of really intense thinking. I guess that's always what happens after someone you love is suddenly gone. My cousin was a teacher and not only because she worked at POBJFK high school, but because she as a person was always filling others with knowledge - even when they didn't know it. Even now, when she's gone, somehow I still feel like I'm learning from her. She was involved with everything. A full time teacher, mother, and husband, in charge of so many after school clubs and activities. She was always on the move. Always had something to do. It's impossible for someone who didn't know her to fully understand what her day was like. Like I said before, she really lived life to it's fullest. She got everything she could out of it. And she enjoyed every second of it. As I sit here and think about my own self, I hope to squeeze as much out of my time here on earth as she did. I have so much school work to do and it could be extremely overwhelming. (Second semester senior? Not a chance? Does that even exist? Ha Ha Ha) But I feel like if my cousin was here to talk to me she would tell me that doing my school work and learning as much as I can are what I should be doing to get the most out of life. I only have 4 more months left of high school, left of Herricks. As insane as it is, I think that studying and reading and doing research is what I should be doing right now to get the most out of my senior experience. I'll only be a high school senior once. And I'm halfway through it. I'll only learn this material once in my life. It would be nice to actually learn it and remember it in the future. Although, I'm not sure if I'll actually remember it. But it's a nice thought.

I think she would also tell me to enjoy the next three weeks of Carousel rehearsals. Especially hell week. My last high school hell week. That's kind of hard to type. This is my eighth show at Herricks. And my last time performing with these group of kids. Some of them I know really well, as I've done so many shows with them and we have become really good friends. But I also wish I had the chance to get to know some of them better. If my cousin could, I think she'd tell me that it's not too late to get to know them. I still have three weeks. There's still time to make a connection. Even if that connection doesn't last once the show is over, the connection still would have been made. And it'll enhance my performance and the experience and make the time we have to spend together much more fun.

It's weird. I love my cousin and I know she loved me. But it wasn't as if I got to see her all that often. She came to see me in a lot of my shows and I would see her at holidays all the time. So it's not like I got to see her everyday and suddenly that's changed. But I still feel weird. I miss her. I guess I miss knowing that she's there where she's always been.

I feel like everything I do now is related to her. I wear a pink bracelet every day now. It gives me comfort a little. She loved music and theater, so when I sing or rehearse, I feel like I'm doing it for her. She loved knowledge so when I do school work I feel like it's for her. Today in Chamber Choir Ms. O'hanlon quoted Rent. She took her seniors to see that show and I'll always remember the first trip she made with them. I was too young to see Rent, but I knew of the show. I thought it was so cool that a high school was allowing its students to go see a Broadway show in the city with their favorite teacher. I have a very strong memory of sitting on the kitchen floor listening to my cousin and my Mom talk about the show and all the reactions that students had. So when she quoted the lyrics, it made me think of her. She's everywhere. Which is quite amazing considering the type of person she was. I wish there was some way for me to fully encompass her persona on here, but there isn't. The closest I can get is the facebook group dedicated to her which currently has 3,456 members and the number keeps going up. She's touched way more than 3,456 people in her lifetime. Not everybody has a facebook. That's only a small percentage of the effect she has had. I know I'll continue to think about her in the future. And right now everything I do is for her. And I'm going to enjoy every second of it and be grateful for everything that gets thrown at me. That's how my cousin lived her life. And that's how I'm going to live mine. She's taught me that.

Birds eye view, death and dying.

I had my audition up in Fredonia this weekend, so my Dad and I flew up to Buffalo and then drove to Fredonia. I find flying absolutely fascinating. Seeing the world from that view, so high up in the sky is thrilling. Seeing the tiny cars and houses and everything from up above. I was sitting in the window seat so I just looked outside for the take off and landing. It's amazing how little time it takes: one minute your on the runway, and not too long after that your soaring through the clouds and then you can look out the window and see the fluffy white things far below you.

I also decided on my quest project this week. I want to have a fundraiser or fundraisers to raise money for the American Cancer Society in memory of my cousin Sandi. Talk about a life well lived. My cousin touched so many people and changed to many lives in the 50-something years she had on earth. It's something inspiring and humbling. She's a celebrity but not in the sense of paparazzi and national fame, but in the sense of being a town hero. Teacher of the year awards. Hometown hero awards. You name it, she did it. On the last day of class, every year, she would give all her seniors a poster with life lessons on it. One of her students posted it on the facebook page dedicated to her.
TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR A BRIGHTER FUTURE:
1. Realize that life isn't always fair. Accept what you must, and change what you can.
2. Think before you act. A moment of carelessness or anger can cause years of anguish and regret.
3. Look for the beauty in life, in nature, in people, and in yourself.
4. Appreciate what you have: the people, the opporunities, the material possessions.
5. Make the effort to have fun: it's a great way to bond with others, and it makes some of the best memories.
6. Set aside time for yourself. Do something you enjoy without feeling even a little guilty.
7. Accept others without judgement. Everyone is unique, and it's okay to be different.
8. Forgive. Bitterness and resentment hurt you more than the person you direct them at.
9. Learn. Open your mind to new ideas and activities and don't be affraid to try.
10. Dream. Make plans, believe in yourself, and go for what you want.

It's interesting that I should be thinking about flying and the sky and all that and also be thinking about my cousin and passing away and death and dying. There's this idea of heaven. I don't believe in God and I don't believe in the idea of a physical heaven, but I guess there is something to say about finding comfort in the idea of people looking down on loved ones once they've passed on.