Love Ramble

Tonight a friend of mine that I graduated with messaged me to say hi and to tell me that she was thinking about me. Nothing else. It was so sweet and innocent. It made my night. Sometimes it's just nice to know that someone somewhere is thinking about you, she explained in a message to a group of our friends.

Life is a beautiful thing. The web that we create connecting ourselves to people and the complicated relationships we form allow us the stability to never be alone. Even in those isolated moments of "I wish I had someone" or "I feel all alone" it isn't the case. The sad thing is, we don't always know it. It is possible to be surrounded by friends and family, loved ones that are near and dear and still be craving for more. And different people deal with this differently. The distractions of the world aren't helpful to the constant search for love and affection: what with things like facebook, instagram, tinder, grinder, twitter, and every online dating service that exists we are able to fuel ourselves with false feelings of being desired by someone out there in the world, a stranger. The conventions of the modern dating world - the fact that it is socially acceptable to have one night stands, multiple fuck buddies, hook up pals, and friends with benefits makes us feel a false sense of being loved. But we all do it and we all take part in it and we enjoy it. It's fun. It's fun to feel sexy and desired and pretend to feel loved, even if it's by someone you don't know.

So what's the problem? What's my point?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while all those things we distract ourselves with are fun, they shouldn't be necessary. They shouldn't be things that we hold on to to take away a deeper pain, an emptiness, the feeling of wanting something that you don't have. I've always found that the love of a friend or family member is 100 times deeper and more pure than the love of a significant other. Call me cynical, jaded, or unromantic, but no man will ever love me the way my parents do, the way my best friend does. It's just a fact. And that's okay. And the sooner we all take a moment to feel ourselves surrounded by our family and friends, the more we will realize that we are never alone.

If you can imagine that somewhere someone in the world is thinking about you - maybe it's just a friend you went to school with - you'll realize that you are fuller inside than you could've ever imagined and that you aren't alone.

Inspired

I am so utterly inspired by my choreography class. Today we spent a good 20 minutes improvising to five different songs, and created our own percussive music in the middle of it. It was amazing to see everyone's progress from the start of the improv to the end. We created stories that were completely unexpected, but after thinking about it it made complete sense that those are the stories we would come up with. I believe that we create based on what we know, and the issues that we are dealing with. Creativity has an incredible ability to dig itself deep down into people's hearts and minds and that's exactly what happened today.

It was beautiful to see the unification of the group and the trust that we had for one another. We are an ensemble and it's so special. This will be the fourth year our ensemble is working together and the time we have together is precious. Moments like this remind me how lucky I am to have people I can create with and feel free to explore with. It made me want to explore more. I didn't want class to be over. Even though some of the stories we were telling were heavy, I felt fantastic afterwards. I felt renewed and ready to try again. I wanted to try again.

I have so many choreographic ideas in my head. I always have. When trying to think of what I want to do for my final project for this class I thought I was going to take one of my pre-existing ideas and make it come to life. But now I'm thinking that I just want to improvise for days and come up with something inspired by that. I could've stayed in that dance studio for hours creating piece after piece based on what I had discovered in my exploration. I don't want to set limitations on myself. I wanna see how far I can go. I wanna reach the end of what I can do and then go further. See what happens.

It truly is incredible what people can do when they give themselves the freedom to not be inhibited, or shy, scared, nervous, self conscious, or afraid.

Sometimes I Draw

I'm an inspired person. Meaning, I get inspired easily and if I don't follow through on my inspirations they nag at me until I do it. Sometimes I get inspired to draw. Drawing isn't something I consider myself particularly good at. I wouldn't consider myself a visual artist. But it isn't something I'm necessarily bad at either. It gives me joy, releases stress, and is therapeutic. I wanted to share some of my drawings on here, starting with my most recent one, which I did about twenty minutes ago.

My stuff always has some sort of quote incorporated into it. I think words and quotes can be very powerful. One of my favorite artists right now is Story People. I connect very easily with their stuff. 

Broadway Cares/Equity Fights Aids

Today was such a beautiful day. I volunteered this morning to help set up the Broadway Flea Market and support an organization very close to my heart. It felt so good to be there with a huge group of fellow Wagner Theater students representing our school and what we stand for. Besides the fact that I think Wagner's theater department offers top notch training, there's something else that makes Wagner Theater stand out among its competitors. And it's the simple fact that this student body cares. We have huge hearts. How many other 18-22 year olds would wake up (or pull an all-nighter) at 5:30 in the morning right after a huge party the night before to help unload trucks full of tables, chairs, and boxes of goodies while battling hangovers galore? We are a family. We are Wagner strong. And I'm proud to be part of it.

One of the reasons I love the flea market is because I get to see a community of aspiring Broadway hopefuls and seasoned professionals come together as one to raise money for a fight against AIDs. Being that it is 2013 it's easy to forget or push aside the struggle of HIV/AIDs. But the horrible truth is that the fight against AIDs isn't over. It isn't a dead issue. In fact, it's far from being a dead issue. It's very much alive and it's affecting people every single day. We don't talk about it because this isn't the 1980s. We don't hear about it in the news anymore. And sadly enough, I'm still disgusted with the highly inaccurate negative stigma that surrounds HIV/AIDs. More people should be informed and educated. More people should know the facts rather than the myths. I think it's something that needs to be talked about more often. Once a year isn't good enough since people are contracting the virus every single day. Scratch that, according to aids.gov, every 9.5 minutes someone in the U.S. alone is infected with HIV.

I got to be with my Wagner family today, and I got to see alumni, directors from last year, and a lot of my OPTC summer family. I felt so lucky to be surrounded by so many special people in my life in one day. On my way home I realized how much my life is filled with love and how lucky I am that I can say that.

At the flea market there was a box filled with these fabulous red high heels. They had your name written all over them, Justy. I don't know who went home with a pair of those beautiful shoes but I know that whoever it was will not be able to strut in them as gracefully as you would've been able to.

This & That

Yesterday morning I spent two hours researching possible photographers to use when I get my headshots taken. This morning we took our senior theater performance class picture for showcase. Tonight I began working on my senior thesis paper. I still can't believe that I'm a senior and yet somehow all of this feels like it's supposed to be happening. Well, it does and it doesn't. I'm still trying to process the fact that next September I will not be a returning student at Wagner College. I'm also still trying to put into words what all of this "senior year" crap feels like versus what I think it's supposed to feel like. But I guess this IS what it's supposed to feel like. It's confusing. Bizarre. Seems too soon. But also not soon enough. It's scary. But REALLY exciting. It's hectic. Busy. So far it's going by really fast. But not fast enough. It's also going by really slow. But not slow enough. The list of this and that is never ending. 

But one thing I know for sure. And this is something that I am positive about. There's no other side to this: I am so happy, proud, honored, and humbled to part of the Wagner College Senior Theater Performance Class of 2014. It's an amazing group of talented individuals. It's also an incredible group of really loving people. We began our journey together in the fall of 2010. And I'm so excited to see where our journey takes us this year and beyond. 

A silly shot of us laughing during our showcase photo shoot this morning. 

"Hows senior year?!?!"

What do you say when someone asks you how your senior year of college is going when it's been the hardest two weeks of your life? This happened to me just the other day. I didn't know what to say. Do I lie and say that it's going great in order to avoid being a huge debbie downer? Or do I tell the truth and talk about how even though my classes are wonderful, I'm going through something that nobody should ever have to experience? It's an awkward situation and it feels like it will be something I struggle with for a while.

Dealing with the loss of a friend my own age was not something I expected to happen only a few months after my 21st birthday. If life were perfect, I wouldn't have had to deal with a death of a friend until I was well into my 70s or 80s. These past two weeks have been like a roller coaster ride. My friends and I have had to re-learn how to laugh and joke around. Laughter has proven to be the best medicine, along with the support of an extremely loving community, kindness, and unity.

I feel like I'm living in a play I read, or a movie I watched, or a suicide prevention film that my high school health teacher showed our class. It doesn't feel like real life. I don't know if it will ever feel like real life. We all thought that the funeral and burial would be a necessary reality check for all of us. But it still felt just as surreal as it did that first night when we lit candles on the oval, sang "Seasons Of Love" and shared funny Justin stories.

Tonight I wrote to Justin in the leather notebook my friends and I have been passing around. I had avoided writing in the notebook for about a week because the thought of 'my last words to Justin' was daunting and disturbing. But then I realized I can always talk to him. For the rest of my life I can talk to him. Ever since my Grandpa died when I was fourteen I've been skeptical about the existence of God and heaven because at the time it was much easier for me to believe that the doctors could make a mistake while doing heart surgery on my Grandfather if there were no God. How could God, if he does exist, let something like that happen? And so I turned my back on God, on religion, and on the idea of heaven. But now, 7 years later, I feel a little differently. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe it's because Justin decided to end his life at the young age of 22. Maybe it's because I'm more mature. But whatever the reason is I know this: it gives me comfort to think of Justin strutting into heaven, teaching all the angels how to twerk to Beyonce, and living his afterlife just as fully as he lived his life on earth. And so I know that I can always talk to Justin whenever I want to because even though his body is no longer with us, his spirit and his energy are. And so what I wrote in that notebook is only the beginning of a lifelong conversation I will be having with my dear friend.

So what do I do for now? Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around campus like a zombie. Sometimes I feel extremely emotional. And sometimes I actually feel happy. The only thing we can do is hang in there and support one another, which is what we've been doing.

Cleaning Out

I cleaned out my room a little bit today. Got rid of a lot of stuff, mostly clothes, that I don't need, or want, or have the room for. I found $20 in a box on my desk which was nice. I found my number from my first audition for a Broadway show. I found a lot of old t-shirts from high school. Battle t-shirts, STAC t-shirts, sweatshirts from everyone's bar/bat mitzvahs and sweet 16s. I found bras that don't fit. And a lot of other things of expired sentimental value. I say they're expired because they meant a lot to me in middle school or in high school. I can appreciate the importance of these objects to that part of my life. And now, with only two weeks left until I'm 21, those objects don't mean much to me anymore. It's funny how your perspective changes as you grow up. Something that seems like life and death when you're 17, just isn't that big of a deal almost 4 years later. And of course I believe that everything in my life happened for a reason. The events, the people I've known, they all helped me learn and grow and made me who I am today. But we grow up. We move on. It's normal and natural and I'm happy with it. Today I laughed at myself and my life and my 14 year old self. And I'm sure that 4 years from now when I'm looking back on my 20 year old self, I'll be laughing as well. And I'm not devaluing anything. I'm not saying that any moment is unimportant because they're all important. Our lives are made up of moments and each moment has the potential of contributing greatly to who we are and our journeys. It's just, when you look back on it after the fact, it's different. It's ironic how much I love the story of Peter Pan. I've loved it ever since I was four years old. It's ironic because Peter Pan does everything in his power to keep from growing up, and here I am, completely okay with it. In fact, I'm excited for it. I think about my future, the possibilities of what it will bring, and I'm excited to find out. I think about this summer and I can't wait to start working. Yipee.

I'm back

I'm back. I'm not sure why I left to begin with. It's been almost a year since my last blog post. Wow, time flies by. The last time I wrote on this thing I was in Maine doing summer stock. So much has happened since then. And there were times when I thought to myself "oh, I wanna blog about this..." and then I would proceed to construct the entire post in my head. But when I got back to my room at the end of the day I had homework, I had to practice, I wanted to be social, cuddle, shower, and live. So documenting my life came to a sort of halt. But anyway, now I'm back.

A group of seniors made a documentary about their theater performance class for their independent study. When I watched their film, I found myself answering some of the questions they were asking their friends: Why did you choose Wagner? How did you get into performing? What was a turning point in your career, both here and outside of Wagner? I realized that I was just as interested in answering those questions as I was interested in listening to the answers of the upperclassmen. I also became very curious what my own classmates would say if they were asked those same questions. It's funny. At school, we live with each other. We spend hours and hours in class together, in rehearsals together, and partying together. And while it seems like we know everything about one another, it occurred to me how much we don't know.

So here we go. Here are my answers.

Why did you choose Wagner?
After narrowing it down to a few programs, I visited Wagner and sat in on a few classes. I went to John's acting 4 and that was it. I saw people rolling around on the floor, slapping each other and themselves, jumping up and down, running around the room, kissing and hugging, and fighting. I now know that this is called pre-work. But at the time I just sat there with my mouth wide open. I thought to myself "I don't know what this is. But it's crazy and cool and I want to do this. This must be what acting is." I left that class and told my mom that I wanted to go to Wagner. We went to the bookstore and got a t-shirt that said Wagner on it, and sent my deposit in later that week.

How did you get into performing?
My mom's a singer and used to act and my dad's a musician. I grew up in a household where I was exposed to Barbara, The Beatles, and show tunes. My parents sang all the time. I started humming before I could even really talk. When I was three years old my parents put me in my first ballet class. I saw Annie on Broadway when I was four years old and decided that I was going to be on Broadway by the time I was twelve. Although that didn't happen, I've had the same dream ever since.

Turning points?
At Wagner: Going to Amsterdam and Junior year (acting 3 and especially 4)
Outside of Wagner: Breaking my foot sophomore year of High School which made me realize how precious it is when I get to dance. My perception of what it means to be a dancer changed 360 degrees. Also, being diagnosed with nodes junior year of High School, which lead to about 2 months of vocal therapy and hard work. I'm the first one to preach that nodes don't have to be the end of your life. I did not need surgery. I did not need to be completely silent. I listened to everything my vocal therapist said and got rid of those babies quicker than the ENT thought I would. Our bodies have an amazing capacity to heal themselves, sometimes they just need a little extra assistance.

And there's still so much more to me than that. It's good to be back.

Metaphor

It's a beautiful day. The sun is out. There are a few cotton candy clouds scattered across the sky. It's warm. Not humid. The sand is soft and the beach is wide. You lay on your towel. The sun feels good on your skin but you're not sweating. After a long time of shuffling through songs on your iPod you get  a sudden urge to jump in the ocean. You know the water must be icy cold but the thought seems refreshing. You turn off your iPod and put it away. You take a drink of water and take off your sunglasses. It's only you, 10 yards of clean sand, and then blue. Forever clear, bright, blue. You walk with confidence up to the edge of the water. There's not a doubt in your mind that you're going for it. But when your toes touch the first few drops of cold, you're suddenly not so sure you want to do this. You think of how cold your body will feel. That stinging sensation that your toes are already experiencing would envelope you from head to toe. The courage and confidence that you previously felt turns into doubt. So you stand in the water. Two inches deep. Your whole ankle isn't even submerged. And you look out. There's ocean as far as you can see. And blue sky above. And a bright shining sun. You stand there and you look. The world is beautiful from that spot and your feet are turning numb. And then you remember the courage you had laying on your towel. And you decide to go for it. You smile to yourself and start to laugh as you walk into the water. Ankle deep. Shin deep. Knee deep. Thigh deep. Your legs have goose bumps. It's cold. And you know it's going to get colder. You wait for the perfect wave and then you dive under. Head first into the freezing, salty water. Once you're submerged you're positive that your body is going to freeze. The blood running through your veins will freeze solid and you won't resurface. It feels like you're under water for 5 minutes even though you somehow know it's only been 5 seconds. You jump out of the water and take a deep breath. At first the air feels chilly on your skin. And suddenly a calm, warm sensation waves over you. The part of  your body that's out of the water feels cool, but comfortable. And the part of your body still under water feels almost numb, but almost warm. You're proud of yourself. You feel accomplished. And you laugh at how silly you were to be scared of the cold.

My afternoon at the beach

Today I had an epiphany. I came to not only believe, but feel with my whole being, that happiness is truly a choice. It is a state of being that a person can choose to live in. I think sometimes it might be much more difficult than others to choose happiness, but I think that the option is always there. I was at the beach listening to really uplifting, inspiring music on my iPod, standing in the waves and I felt so free. I think it was the most free I've felt since I've been here. And so I've decided to choose happiness for myself. For the rest of the summer. No matter what I miss back home, or who I miss, I need to stay freely in the moment of this summer.

There's a lot more I could say, but I'm not going to. Actually, I will say one more thing: there's a lot I want to do with my life. And I'm going to do it all.

My first Maine post

I've been in Maine for over a week and so much has happened. It's absolutely beautiful here. We're 100 yards from the Beach, so on a sunny day it's really great to take a short walk down to the water and walk along the sand. But yesterday it rained. And it was the most beautiful thunderstorm I've ever witnessed. In NY when it rains, I get disappointed. But here, there was something so beautiful, comforting, and extremely romantic about the rain and thunder. I didn't mind going outside because the sound of the fat raindrops hitting the pavement, the roof of the buildings, and the tops of cars mixed with the intermittent thunder claps was like music. It was so quiet in town. It was cozy. I think I might like it better when it rains. Or maybe it's just the fact that it's been so beautifully sunny and not humid that the rain seemed like a special treat. Actually, as I'm writing this, sitting on my bed, I just heard the sound of thunder from outside my window. I hope it rains again today. To go outside on the porch and watch the rain while eating lunch would be wonderful.

But I'm not here to fantasize about the rain. I'm here to act. As much as I love music rehearsals, and choreographing the show, my favorite rehearsals have been those dedicated to the scene work, the characters, and the acting. The ease in which I am able to relate to this character, only makes my job that much more fun. We have so much in common, Luisa and I, and I'm finding more and more in common with each rehearsal. Just thinking about how much fun it is to play her makes me want to cry. Part of me wishes that we had more than two weeks of rehearsal time because I want to dig deeper, but at the same time I know that I have a month long run and I will be making discoveries every night in front of a live audience, and that is exciting.

But, as usual, hard work doesn't come free. After only being here for a few days my left foot started bothering me and when the pain didn't go away I decided to get it checked out, only to be told that I have tendonitis. Rest isn't really in the cards for me right now, but I'm trying to stay off of it as much as possible, icing it, and keeping it wrapped up. Although it still hurts, it definitely feels better, so I must be doing something right. Additionally, my voice is exhausted. Singing high B's and C's isn't the easiest task. But I'll be okay. I'm forcing myself not to talk whenever possible and drinking a weird apple cider vinegar concoction that has worked for me before. Once again, I'm being reminded of the fact that my body is my instrument and I've gotta respect it in order to expect it to perform at the highest of standards.

But one of the hardest parts about this whole thing is how much I miss a special someone at home. I knew this wouldn't be easy, and I was right. I find that I'm already counting down the weeks until school starts (less than 9 weeks now) and it isn't because I'm not enjoying myself here. I love rehearsals and the people I'm working with are all so nice and fun to be around. I just wish he could be here as well.

You asked me to blog about you

This is going to be cheesy. And corny. And it might make some pessimistic, vengeful reader out there want to throw up what he had for dinner a few hours ago. But it is true and honest and brave. A few weeks, or maybe a month ago (I don't remember) you asked me to blog about you. You wanted my "international readers" to know about you. But I didn't do it. But how can I have a blog where I post things that are on my mind, that I like, and that are important to me, if I don't include a post or two about you? Besides that, you deserve it. I think I decided to write about something else that night because if I wrote about you I wouldn't know where to start. There's just too much to say. Even now when I've committed to blogging about you, I'm dancing around not really knowing what to talk about. But I was thinking about your request and thinking about not seeing you for ten weeks and I decided I was going to write something for you and put it on here. I don't really know what I'm going to say but I hope you like it.

I'm so glad we can be weird together. I mean if you look at what we've done this past week it's pretty super fun. We spent five hours at the zoo and I could've spent more time there, we ate a lot of delicious food together, we watched baseball games and basketball games on TV both together and apart, I made you watch Friends with me, took your dog on a walk making sure he pooped seven times, illegally watched Madagascar 3 on your computer, went to the pet store and squealed at all animals we could play with, gave and received presents, celebrated birthdays, and watched national geographic. But honestly, what 19 and 20 year olds watch national geographic?! It was interesting though. Weird and freaky. I liked it.

I just re-read that last paragraph and I don't like it for some reason but I'm going to force myself not to delete it. I've gotta be okay with imperfections.

I'm gonna miss you. Ten weeks is a long time. I'm sorry for bringing it up. But actually, I'm really not. Because it's right around the corner. The next time I see you is going to be the last time before we're back at school and that's daunting to me. When I got this job I couldn't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I'd actually be leaving for real for 2/3 of the summer. And even when school ended I knew we had 5 weeks together, well 4 because of our respective Florida vacations, but four weeks seemed like a long time. And it's scary how fast it went. All of a sudden I'm supposed to be packing and getting ready to go and I don't want to. I cry about it sometimes. Little tears that I try to just wipe away as if they were never there. I don't want to be scared and I don't want to be sad but I've never not seen you for 10 weeks before and I know we'll survive but it's the unknown and the unknown is usually a scary place. I try and find strength in seeing what other people do: an actor leaves his wife for four months to film a movie in another country, a young actress leaves her boyfriend for a national tour not knowing the next time they'll get to be together, a recent college graduate proudly watches her boyfriend fight in the US Army not knowing when she'll see him next or get to talk to him on the phone. Am I making too big a deal out of this? I don't know. I don't think so but who knows. The fact is I won't be seeing both my boyfriend and my best friend until the end of August and that makes me sad.

And that's my depressing paragraph. You must've known it was coming.

Besides all the fun together you know what I really like most? How you make almost everything alright? When I'm upset or stressed or angry about something it's always better when you're there. I have my own ways of dealing with things and calming myself down, but it takes a lot longer. You walk into my room, give me a hug, and somehow know just what to do or say. That's a special skill and I'm very lucky you have it. For example, when I got upset today in the rain you told me to get in the car and that you were going to sit with me until I was okay to drive home. To you that probably seems like no big deal, a no brainer, an easy simple gesture. But to me it was just what I needed. An understanding boyfriend to just let me have my moment and keep me company until I was good to go. It meant a lot more to me than you probably realized.

This post is getting really long and it's getting really late and I'm going to see you tomorrow but I hope you like this. I know it's nothing special but you wanted me to blog about you and I finally did. xox

"You may say I'm a dreamer..."

Last night was a wonderful night of thinking. A short conversation with my boyfriend spiraled into me dreaming and thinking up a storm the entire night. And that's where it all started - dreaming. I have this amazing capacity to dream. I guess I owe my imagination some credit for that one. When I dream, I think in wild colors, details, and everything is extraordinary. I guess it makes sense that the subtitle for my blog is "I can see that you've got quite a mind for your age" - a quote from Suessical, the musical that's always stuck out to me. And I started to think of all the dreams I have. Yes some of them are outrageous, some more logical, and realistic. But it doesn't really matter how crazy they may seem. Lots of people have had crazy dreams that came true. In fact, if you think about all great people who have made a change in the world, their dreams, at the time, could have been considered crazy, impossible. Yet they happened. They came true. Their dreams were realized. And that leads me to say that anythings possible.

Now I understand that it's important to be clear about reality and to be a big girl who knows responsibility and knows where the natural limits lie. But I still think there's no harm in dreaming. Reality can be, well, dull sometimes. Why should I satisfy myself with that? Why shouldn't I think up all the possibilities that may possibly come to be? For example, I'm very excited about my summer stock job this summer. I'm grateful to have been given this opportunity and I know I'm going to have a blast and learn a lot. But at the same time I can't help but believe that it's only the beginning of a very long, wonderful, hard, but rewarding journey. Basically, it's the beginning of the rest of my musical theater life, and I'm just as excited about the rest of that life as I am about this upcoming job.

On a more somber note, and this is what I thought about for a long time last night, I dream of peace and tolerance. Now I know that to a lot of people that sounds corny, innocent, and ignorant, but to me it sounds like a wish and a dream. I recognize that the world is a cruel place. I understand that even though I  may have strong feelings about how people should be able to get along and live peacefully alongside each other, not everybody agrees with me. In fact, I would dare to guess that a majority of the world's population probably doesn't believe that everybody should be able to tolerate the differences among cultures, religions, and races. I would assume (although I could be wrong) that there are a lot of people who don't mind living in a world filled with war and hate and inequalities. Well I do mind. I care. And it upsets me that this is the world we live in.

I wish I could see a future with a different world. A world more tolerating. I'm not asking for everybody to love everybody. Even I dislike certain people. What I'm asking for is tolerance. Understanding that people are just people. I'm asking for the ability to live next door to somebody and just get along. Live peacefully and not hate. Dislike is a lot different from hate.

I had a creative vision last night. I want to choreograph a piece to John Lennon's "Imagine." I want my dancers to represent different groups of people: Israelis, Palestinians, Straight, Gay, White, Black - and maybe I'll come up with more but that's what I have right now. I want them to dance in harmony. To show that it is indeed possible to live side by side with someone who is different from you. To show that we are all members of the human race. We're all people.

I have so many thoughts and so many dreams and I am passionate about a lot of things. But I'm also a coward. When someone disagrees with me it's really hard for me to stand my ground, remain calm, and fight for what I believe in. Maybe that's why I love this blog so much. First of all, I know how many readers I have and even though it's a lot more than I thought, it's still not a whole lot of people. Secondly, if anybody comments something that I don't like I can choose to ignore it or remove it from my page. I understand that people are going to disagree with me. I'm just not very good at defending my point of view without getting angry or upset. I guess it's a good thing that I'm not going to law school. It makes me nervous for the upcoming presidential elections. I know that there will be a lot of talk around campus and among my friends and such. But who knows? Maybe it'll give me an opportunity to gain some more confidence in standing my ground and standing up for what I believe in.

Changing direction for a bit, last night on So You Think You Can Dance, there were a few dancers who really touched me: Sam Shreffler who had the courage to get up onstage despite being on the autistic spectrum. And what was so beautiful was the way movement freed him. Although he is not a technically advanced dancer it didn't matter. You could tell that he just loved to move and express himself through movement. The encouragement that Nigel gave him was inspiring and heart warming. Also, Jarrell who was there because he wanted his Mom to be able to see him dance before she went blind.  It just reminds you to always be grateful for what you have and to live every moment like it's your last. And lastly, Bree, the 29 year old mother who is going back to dancing after having two adorable children. I don't know what was more inspiring, seeing this woman go back to follow her dream, or seeing the admiration her two children had for her. Not to mention her precious little daughter who kept saying "my turn, my turn" and who indeed did get her turn to dance onstage.

Two in one day... this must be important

For the past couple of nights I've been thinking a lot about Israel before I go to bed. I think about how beautiful the land is, about how my trip there changed my outlook on life and Judaism. I think about the people I met and how kind, generous, and passionate they were about their country. I think about the sacrifices made in order to declare Israel a Jewish State.

I read some pretty scary articles recently about growing anti-semitism in parts of the world, particularly Hungary. I guess I'm pretty lucky being from the neighborhood I'm from. I live in a little bubble. People aren't racist, homophobic, or judgmental based on a person's religion. And if they are, they aren't open about it publicly because they know it wouldn't be tolerated. I guess it's difficult for me to picture living in a part of the world where a group of people are hated because they believe and practice a certain faith. And it makes me sad that the human race hasn't matured as far as I'd like to think we have.

The more I think about it, the more I want to get back there. And I want to bring the people I love with me. I want to go with my family and watch them fall in love with the country just the way I did. I know that no visit will ever be like my first one, and in some way that makes me sad. Never again will I be able to experience looking out at the city of Jerusalem for the first time. But I also know that when I do go back again, I will be in a different place in my life and I will find a whole new meaning in my trip.

Something bigger

After laying on my couch watching TVs and movies trying to get rid of this eternal stomach virus for the past week, I was finally able to sing today. What a wonderful feeling that was. My voice was resonating, and it felt so good. I sat down at the piano and started playing through the score to The Fantasticks. The score must be pretty old because the pages aren't white anymore. They've got that old yellow-ish tint to them and they feel sort of...expired. It's pretty cool to be part of something so much bigger than myself.

I think I've found the reason why I'm like a never ending battery:
"The more you loose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have."
--Norman Vincent Peale.
That is the definition of me, my life, and what I stand for

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."
--Brian Tracy

Abstract thoughts - Don't ask, don't judge

This world can be a big place. It doesn't seem so big when you're in your own little corner of it. You know all the people around you and even if you don't know them, you recognize their faces. You have your relationships, your friendships, your spaces, the places you go, and the places you don't. And all those things, plus some more, make up your little corner of the world. And it seems so small. Until you leave your little corner of the world and go someplace else. And then you realize how big the world really is and there's an overwhelming reality of how empty it can be.

“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. And intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” 
― Janet Fitch, White Oleander


Think of yourself an independent. Well you don't have to think it if it's true. But is there a difference between independence, eternal dedication, and fear of judgement? Maybe there is. But who can stop a dreamer from dreaming? Who can stop a lover from loving? A free bird from flying? Because if nothing else matters, then nothing else should get in the way? But if nothing else matters, why do so many things find their way in?


"When you stop having dreams and ideals - well, you might as well stop altogether." 
-- Marian Anderson

Summer

Summer! I came home yesterday, making today my first official day of summer vacation. I've been waiting for this day for a while and now that it's finally here I can't believe it. I can't believe I survived this semester. I can't believe sophomore year is over. I can't believe I'm now considered a junior. And I can't believe what this summer has in store for me.

Was it hard to say goodbye to my friends for the summer? A little. But I also know that I'll be seeing them back at school in 3 1/2 months, and I might even get to see a few during these next five weeks while I'm home. Saying goodbye to everybody was a lot easier this year than it was last year. That's the sentimentality after freshman year. As a freshman, you think you're never going to see these people again, that it's going to be impossible to live without your college friends for 3 1/2 months. As a sophomore, I know that while summer vacation is long, it goes by relatively quickly. Yes I'll miss my friends, but I also know that I'll have fun at home, and I have a lot of summer fun to look forward to.

So the first 5 weeks I'll be home, except the week that i'll be on vacation in Florida with my Aunt and Uncle. I'll be spending these 5 weeks resting, unpacking, organizing for next year, taking classes, and enjoying summer. As of right now I'm not making a schedule for myself because I've been on such a strict one for the past 5 months - I need to enjoy a little freedom.

I'll be spending the later part of the summer at The Booth Theater in Maine. I'm really excited because I have lots of friends who have worked there before and they all say that they had the time of their lives. I'll also be working alongside some Wagner College Theater kids, which will be really fun. The difficult part will be saying goodbye to my boyfriend for 10 weeks, but I have faith in us. I'm excited for the beautiful summer town, the lobster, and the opportunity to play Luisa in The Fantasticks. It's been a dream role of mine ever since I saw it for the first time 4 or 5 years ago.

But for right now, I need to spend time with my family, see Michael as often as I can, get ready to enjoy my vacation week in Florida, and nurse my stomach back to health. It's been causing problems for a week and a half now. I'm not going to go into the details of my medical issues but my body deals with stress in a very specific way. It sucks but hopefully I can get things under control over the next few days.

This is Life

I have to get better at this blogging thing. I fully believe in the importance of documenting life, things that happen, and processing what goes on through free writing and reflection. When life gets busy, it becomes impossible to be able to comprehend the greatness and also the struggles. But I think that in order to maintain a clear head, a healthy heart, body, and mind, I need to spend some time processing it all. This has been a really tough semester, both in school work, and in life and what a better day than the day after Waggies to think back about it all and write.

First of all I need to talk about Goddess Wheel. It was a really wonderful experience. It's been hard for me to grasp it all because even though we spent so much time working on the show, it seemed to go so fast. I feel extremely lucky to have been part of that process. I learned so much and got to work with so many wonderful, talented, generous, kind hearted people. There was a great collaborative energy amongst  the cast, crew, and creative team. We turned into a giant family. It was beautiful and I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world.

Working on an original project is unlike any other process in this business. It gave me a different perspective on casting and how to work on a show. First of all, casting is always objective, and it's never personal. This isn't new information to me, but I was seeing it from a different angle and it had a whole new impact on how I think about it. Not to mention, it's always good to be reminded of the basics because they're important and there's a reason why they're called "the basics." Secondly, I will never work on a role the same way again. Before rehearsals began I did a lot of research and character pre-work at home. I started off the rehearsal process with a whole back story for my character, a movement profile for how my character would walk and stand and for a while I was determined to stay true to these predetermined qualities. But then I realized, that's not acting and I allowed my character to change. Once I made that decision to live in the unknown, everything got more exciting, more rewarding, and more fun. Especially when you're creating a character for the very first time, when nobody has ever played that character before, why not make some mistakes, go out of the box, and make discoveries. (Although you should be making mistakes and discoveries no matter what character you're playing - I was reminded of that old rule too). By the end, my character was a completely different person than the character I started out with. She had a different name and I brought more of me into it. There was a merging of Becky and Curvacius that I could play with every night and learn and grow from.

I also have a whole new respect for writers and lyricists. They have a really difficult job. They give us, actors, the materials to work with. We're only the secondary artists, writers and lyricists have to come up with the material themselves. I always knew that it takes a long time to write a musical and have a "finished product" (whatever 'finished' means) but I have a whole new understanding of that process now. And I hope that I'm lucky enough to be given the chance again one day to witness another pair of brilliant writers develop another new project. I give Matty Selman and Galt MacDermot a huge round of applause for the hard work they put into this piece. I also want to thank them tremendously from the bottom of my heart for allowing Rusty Curcio and the students of Wagner College Theater to bring their show to the stage. If it wasn't for them, none of us would have had this experience. I know I've given my thanks multiple times already, but I really can't say thank you enough.

Moving on, to audition days, and that's another difficult thing about theater. I closed one show on Sunday and two days later I was auditioning for next semester's main stage season. No time to think about anything, be sad that one experience was coming to an end, no time to process - a reason why I think this blog is so important. I was proud of my auditions for both Putting it Together and Legally Blonde. Regardless of how casting goes, I feel like I accomplished something. I've been sick all week, vomiting, headaches, congestion, possible fever, but Brian Patrick Murphy, the director for Legally Blonde doesn't believe in sickness and so I adopted that attitude and did my thing to the best of my ability in that moment. And that's where being thankful comes into play yet again. After my Putting it Together audition I realized that I would not have been able to get through that day if it hadn't been for everything I've learned these past two years in my performance classes. I've learned warm up exercises, audition techniques, I've been training my body to focus and live up to standards no matter how sick or tired I feel. That's where acting turns into a skill. I've always recognized that acting is an art, but this is where I begin to understand that it's a skill and a craft, as well as a business. It's in the craft, the skill, and the technique that allowed me to get through both my auditions and be proud of what I did. And now regardless of how casting goes, I can be proud that I put up a good fight when by body was just begging me to go to bed.

Last night was Waggies. It was fun and I just want to say this: I fucking love my class. We're cute, fun, good looking, and a really good group of people. I can't wait to continue to spend the next two years with you guys at Wagner!!

Goddess Wheel Hair - a process

I have begun to explore different possible hairstyles for Goddess Wheel. The goal is to give the hair and make up designer our ideas of what we want and then she can use her professional skills to make it happen and look good. This past week I tried something:

This was my second attempt out of three. My first attempt did not have any of the volume that we're looking for and I forgot to take a picture of my third attempt. I'm working with braids, flowers in my hair (white or silver to match my costume), and LOTS of VOLUME.

Today I found these two pictures on google which inspired me:

I love both pictures. And I'm thinking of playing around with these ideas for a bit. I do want my hair to be down in the back but I love the poof thing in the front of the hair with the braids behind it/at the crown of the head.

Miles from where you are

"I'm miles from where you are

I lay down on the cold ground

I pray that something picks me up

And sets me down in your warm arms"

"They say there is a land, a land drenched with sun. Wherefore is that land? Where is that sun?" I miss you, Israel