A bedtime drawing

Sometimes you need to turn on the music, sit, put marker and colored pencils to a piece of paper and draw. We used to do this in STAC (in High School). I don't really know what this drawing means and I don't really know if I like it but I did this while listening to "Rolling In the Deep" and here it is. Now it's off to bed.

What I've been up to...

For anybody who likes keeping up to date with what's going on in the theater world, here's something new: Goddess Wheel, music and lyrics by Galt MacDermot book by Matty Selman, to premier this spring at Wagner College. I've been given the wonderful opportunity of being part of this creative process and journey and I am proud to share the show's brand new blog and tumblr with all my blog followers:

goddesswheel.blogspot.com and goddesswheel.tumblr.com

Our fabulous Assistant Director and Assistant Stage Manager are in charge of the two webpages. They will be posting information, pictures, videos, quotes, and anything else exciting as we make our way around the goddess wheel.

Question of the day - January 28 2012

I know I haven't posted any of my daily questions or answers since January 1, but I like today's question so here goes:

How do you describe home?

A place where I feel comfortable in my own skin, where I'm always welcome to be

My homes:

Wagner College Theater

Steps on Broadway

And the newest one - Israel

Ode to Israel

To be in a place that is so old, that has so much history, that means so much to so many people was unlike anything I've ever experienced. And I realized that if I could trace my family tree back 2,000 or 3,000 years I would discover that somewhere down the line my family was from this place. I felt viscerally and emotionally connected to Israel from my first day in Jerusalem. It's amazing to me because of how disconnected I was to Judaism before going on Birthright. I would even go so far as to say that before my trip to Israel, I disliked Judaism and what I understood it to be. But my impression on what it means to be Jewish has been drastically changed for the better. I now wear my Jewish star necklace with pride and my Hamsa ring, which allows me to bring Israel with me wherever I go.

Yes, I am proud to be Jewish. I am part of a people that don't give up. Throughout history we have been hated, attacked, threatened, and murdered over and over again. Yet we continue to live and be proud of who we are. How many ancient civilizations were destroyed by one war? The Jewish people continue to thrive. I say thrive not because we are growing in number but because of the attitude we have about ourselves. Because of this amazing thing called Birthright which gives young Jewish people the opportunity to connect and reconnect to Israel. I say thrive because of the many ways in which one can feel that he or she is Jewish. I am not religious and I don't believe in god. Yet I still consider myself a proud Jew because of my culture, my history, my love for the holiday celebrations, and my moral values. Judaism doesn't exclude people and that is a beautiful thing.

The pride that Israelis have for their country is inspiring. It makes me love the place more. One Israeli soldier told me that if I love Israel, Israel will love me too. Other Israeli soldiers told me that I am always welcome back to Israel, that Israel will always be there for me and will always want me to come back. I've never felt so welcome or wanted by a place before. Like it really matters that I return and remember the love I found for this beautiful country. I will go back one day. I would love to study theater there and to connect on an even deeper level to the country and the people. But for now it's up to me to remember. It's hard to talk to people about my journey because it's impossible to describe to someone who's never been. They can't understand how I feel and it leaves me dissatisfied.

Another 365 project!!

For hanukkah my parents got me this really cool Q & A a day book. It's a 5 year journal filled with 365 questions with writing space for 1,825 answers. Each day of the year has it's own question and you fill up the book answering the questions. At the end of each year you start over again and answer all the questions again but with a different or maybe the same answer. I started the book tonight after the clock struck 12 and it became January 1 2012. I answered the first question and decided that I would blog some of my answers. I looked through the book at all the different questions and realized that I probably won't be able to blog all of my answers because some of them might be offensive to other people. I mean, the journal is meant to be private after all, but I want to share what I feel is appropriate for the public.

Here's a link to the journal if anybody is interested in getting one:

http://www.amazon.com/Day-5-Year-Journal-Potter-Style/dp/0307719774

So here goes...

Jan 1 2012 - What is your mission?

#FULL OUT! Never stop moving. Keep smiling, continue to love, and be inspired. And finish this book!

A look ahead at 2012

Lately I've been going through a phase where I'll be in a mood, I'll want to blog about it, but then the minute I sit down to start writing my fingers can't seem to find their way across my keyboard. And so I haven't been blogging. Not about anything and that's sort of a shame because I like blogging and I find it helpful . I have no idea who is reading this, or if anybody is reading this at all, but I like doing it anyway. I think the reason why this has been happening to me is because I'm afraid of showing an imperfection, an area of vulnerability, nervous to be a real human being with real human feelings that aren't always pleasant. This has always sort of been a challenge for me and I've gotten less perfect over time but whenever I think about blogging I think I have to be perfect again. For some odd reason I think that I should only be writing about my accomplishments, things I have to be proud of, things that make me happy and giddy. But that's the opposite of what a blog is for, in my opinion. I'm always so impressed and interested by people who blog deep things, disturbing things, uncomfortable things. When people blog about happy daisies all the time I think "good for you" and that's all. I think it takes more guts, more confidence, and bravery to blog about the things I've been wanting to blog about but haven't. So I'm going to try and do that with this new year. If I think to myself "I should blog about this" I will. I won't wait until I'm not hot blooded anymore, I'll write while I'm boiling. It'll be more interesting to read (probably) and will feel more satisfying.

I also want to try and stop this jealousy thing I have going on. It's really annoying and it goes something like this: if a close friend of mine or if somebody I care about has success or happiness or goodness in their lives I'm happy for them and I celebrate for them. But if some acquaintance of mine comes across similar success, happiness, or goodness, I stalk his or her Facebook and get jealous of whatever they're celebrating. It doesn't make sense to me and I don't know why I do it. Especially if said person is not a significant part of my life at all, it shouldn't make a difference to me because it doesn't effect me in any way.

I also want to be a better girlfriend and a better friend. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own little world of me that I feel disconnected from the people I love. It's not like I'm selfishly pushing people away. In high school I discovered that my theater work always comes first over social life and I realized I was okay with that. I have rehearsal, I have to practice, I have to do my academic homework now because I won't have time to do it later, I have to sleep because I have a lot of work or practicing or rehearsals tomorrow. That type of stuff. And I love it. But I think I might need to come out of my little bubble and find more of a balance. I want to be a better friend, more available, more open. And I want to be a better girlfriend to a boy who deserves it more than anything.

Hmmm... that's all for now.

Self Reflection

As the semester comes to an end, I have a lot to be excited about. The last two days were filled with auditions for the spring main stage musicals Urinetown and A Goddess Wheel. A Goddess Wheel, music by Galt McDermot, will be making its world premier this spring featuring Wagner's theater students! Although, both days were extremely long (13 hours one day and 14 the next), it was an incredibly fun and rewarding experience.

I have only 3 finals left, all of which are for performance classes. As I practice for my finals I can't help but self-reflect on where I was at the beginning of this semester and how far I've come. At the end of last year I remember being excited by how much I had learned in one semester. And it's no different this time around. I am so grateful to all of my teachers who pushed me and encouraged me and reminded me that this process is one of my own. I'm proud of myself for taking risks and being confident enough in myself to do things that might be out of my comfort zone. I'm proud of my friends for taking their own risks. I'm thankful that I can surround myself with talented people every single day. And I'm proud of all of us for supporting each other and being happy for each other's accomplishments.