You asked me to blog about you

This is going to be cheesy. And corny. And it might make some pessimistic, vengeful reader out there want to throw up what he had for dinner a few hours ago. But it is true and honest and brave. A few weeks, or maybe a month ago (I don't remember) you asked me to blog about you. You wanted my "international readers" to know about you. But I didn't do it. But how can I have a blog where I post things that are on my mind, that I like, and that are important to me, if I don't include a post or two about you? Besides that, you deserve it. I think I decided to write about something else that night because if I wrote about you I wouldn't know where to start. There's just too much to say. Even now when I've committed to blogging about you, I'm dancing around not really knowing what to talk about. But I was thinking about your request and thinking about not seeing you for ten weeks and I decided I was going to write something for you and put it on here. I don't really know what I'm going to say but I hope you like it.

I'm so glad we can be weird together. I mean if you look at what we've done this past week it's pretty super fun. We spent five hours at the zoo and I could've spent more time there, we ate a lot of delicious food together, we watched baseball games and basketball games on TV both together and apart, I made you watch Friends with me, took your dog on a walk making sure he pooped seven times, illegally watched Madagascar 3 on your computer, went to the pet store and squealed at all animals we could play with, gave and received presents, celebrated birthdays, and watched national geographic. But honestly, what 19 and 20 year olds watch national geographic?! It was interesting though. Weird and freaky. I liked it.

I just re-read that last paragraph and I don't like it for some reason but I'm going to force myself not to delete it. I've gotta be okay with imperfections.

I'm gonna miss you. Ten weeks is a long time. I'm sorry for bringing it up. But actually, I'm really not. Because it's right around the corner. The next time I see you is going to be the last time before we're back at school and that's daunting to me. When I got this job I couldn't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I'd actually be leaving for real for 2/3 of the summer. And even when school ended I knew we had 5 weeks together, well 4 because of our respective Florida vacations, but four weeks seemed like a long time. And it's scary how fast it went. All of a sudden I'm supposed to be packing and getting ready to go and I don't want to. I cry about it sometimes. Little tears that I try to just wipe away as if they were never there. I don't want to be scared and I don't want to be sad but I've never not seen you for 10 weeks before and I know we'll survive but it's the unknown and the unknown is usually a scary place. I try and find strength in seeing what other people do: an actor leaves his wife for four months to film a movie in another country, a young actress leaves her boyfriend for a national tour not knowing the next time they'll get to be together, a recent college graduate proudly watches her boyfriend fight in the US Army not knowing when she'll see him next or get to talk to him on the phone. Am I making too big a deal out of this? I don't know. I don't think so but who knows. The fact is I won't be seeing both my boyfriend and my best friend until the end of August and that makes me sad.

And that's my depressing paragraph. You must've known it was coming.

Besides all the fun together you know what I really like most? How you make almost everything alright? When I'm upset or stressed or angry about something it's always better when you're there. I have my own ways of dealing with things and calming myself down, but it takes a lot longer. You walk into my room, give me a hug, and somehow know just what to do or say. That's a special skill and I'm very lucky you have it. For example, when I got upset today in the rain you told me to get in the car and that you were going to sit with me until I was okay to drive home. To you that probably seems like no big deal, a no brainer, an easy simple gesture. But to me it was just what I needed. An understanding boyfriend to just let me have my moment and keep me company until I was good to go. It meant a lot more to me than you probably realized.

This post is getting really long and it's getting really late and I'm going to see you tomorrow but I hope you like this. I know it's nothing special but you wanted me to blog about you and I finally did. xox

"You may say I'm a dreamer..."

Last night was a wonderful night of thinking. A short conversation with my boyfriend spiraled into me dreaming and thinking up a storm the entire night. And that's where it all started - dreaming. I have this amazing capacity to dream. I guess I owe my imagination some credit for that one. When I dream, I think in wild colors, details, and everything is extraordinary. I guess it makes sense that the subtitle for my blog is "I can see that you've got quite a mind for your age" - a quote from Suessical, the musical that's always stuck out to me. And I started to think of all the dreams I have. Yes some of them are outrageous, some more logical, and realistic. But it doesn't really matter how crazy they may seem. Lots of people have had crazy dreams that came true. In fact, if you think about all great people who have made a change in the world, their dreams, at the time, could have been considered crazy, impossible. Yet they happened. They came true. Their dreams were realized. And that leads me to say that anythings possible.

Now I understand that it's important to be clear about reality and to be a big girl who knows responsibility and knows where the natural limits lie. But I still think there's no harm in dreaming. Reality can be, well, dull sometimes. Why should I satisfy myself with that? Why shouldn't I think up all the possibilities that may possibly come to be? For example, I'm very excited about my summer stock job this summer. I'm grateful to have been given this opportunity and I know I'm going to have a blast and learn a lot. But at the same time I can't help but believe that it's only the beginning of a very long, wonderful, hard, but rewarding journey. Basically, it's the beginning of the rest of my musical theater life, and I'm just as excited about the rest of that life as I am about this upcoming job.

On a more somber note, and this is what I thought about for a long time last night, I dream of peace and tolerance. Now I know that to a lot of people that sounds corny, innocent, and ignorant, but to me it sounds like a wish and a dream. I recognize that the world is a cruel place. I understand that even though I  may have strong feelings about how people should be able to get along and live peacefully alongside each other, not everybody agrees with me. In fact, I would dare to guess that a majority of the world's population probably doesn't believe that everybody should be able to tolerate the differences among cultures, religions, and races. I would assume (although I could be wrong) that there are a lot of people who don't mind living in a world filled with war and hate and inequalities. Well I do mind. I care. And it upsets me that this is the world we live in.

I wish I could see a future with a different world. A world more tolerating. I'm not asking for everybody to love everybody. Even I dislike certain people. What I'm asking for is tolerance. Understanding that people are just people. I'm asking for the ability to live next door to somebody and just get along. Live peacefully and not hate. Dislike is a lot different from hate.

I had a creative vision last night. I want to choreograph a piece to John Lennon's "Imagine." I want my dancers to represent different groups of people: Israelis, Palestinians, Straight, Gay, White, Black - and maybe I'll come up with more but that's what I have right now. I want them to dance in harmony. To show that it is indeed possible to live side by side with someone who is different from you. To show that we are all members of the human race. We're all people.

I have so many thoughts and so many dreams and I am passionate about a lot of things. But I'm also a coward. When someone disagrees with me it's really hard for me to stand my ground, remain calm, and fight for what I believe in. Maybe that's why I love this blog so much. First of all, I know how many readers I have and even though it's a lot more than I thought, it's still not a whole lot of people. Secondly, if anybody comments something that I don't like I can choose to ignore it or remove it from my page. I understand that people are going to disagree with me. I'm just not very good at defending my point of view without getting angry or upset. I guess it's a good thing that I'm not going to law school. It makes me nervous for the upcoming presidential elections. I know that there will be a lot of talk around campus and among my friends and such. But who knows? Maybe it'll give me an opportunity to gain some more confidence in standing my ground and standing up for what I believe in.

Changing direction for a bit, last night on So You Think You Can Dance, there were a few dancers who really touched me: Sam Shreffler who had the courage to get up onstage despite being on the autistic spectrum. And what was so beautiful was the way movement freed him. Although he is not a technically advanced dancer it didn't matter. You could tell that he just loved to move and express himself through movement. The encouragement that Nigel gave him was inspiring and heart warming. Also, Jarrell who was there because he wanted his Mom to be able to see him dance before she went blind.  It just reminds you to always be grateful for what you have and to live every moment like it's your last. And lastly, Bree, the 29 year old mother who is going back to dancing after having two adorable children. I don't know what was more inspiring, seeing this woman go back to follow her dream, or seeing the admiration her two children had for her. Not to mention her precious little daughter who kept saying "my turn, my turn" and who indeed did get her turn to dance onstage.

Two in one day... this must be important

For the past couple of nights I've been thinking a lot about Israel before I go to bed. I think about how beautiful the land is, about how my trip there changed my outlook on life and Judaism. I think about the people I met and how kind, generous, and passionate they were about their country. I think about the sacrifices made in order to declare Israel a Jewish State.

I read some pretty scary articles recently about growing anti-semitism in parts of the world, particularly Hungary. I guess I'm pretty lucky being from the neighborhood I'm from. I live in a little bubble. People aren't racist, homophobic, or judgmental based on a person's religion. And if they are, they aren't open about it publicly because they know it wouldn't be tolerated. I guess it's difficult for me to picture living in a part of the world where a group of people are hated because they believe and practice a certain faith. And it makes me sad that the human race hasn't matured as far as I'd like to think we have.

The more I think about it, the more I want to get back there. And I want to bring the people I love with me. I want to go with my family and watch them fall in love with the country just the way I did. I know that no visit will ever be like my first one, and in some way that makes me sad. Never again will I be able to experience looking out at the city of Jerusalem for the first time. But I also know that when I do go back again, I will be in a different place in my life and I will find a whole new meaning in my trip.

Something bigger

After laying on my couch watching TVs and movies trying to get rid of this eternal stomach virus for the past week, I was finally able to sing today. What a wonderful feeling that was. My voice was resonating, and it felt so good. I sat down at the piano and started playing through the score to The Fantasticks. The score must be pretty old because the pages aren't white anymore. They've got that old yellow-ish tint to them and they feel sort of...expired. It's pretty cool to be part of something so much bigger than myself.

I think I've found the reason why I'm like a never ending battery:
"The more you loose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have."
--Norman Vincent Peale.
That is the definition of me, my life, and what I stand for

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."
--Brian Tracy

Abstract thoughts - Don't ask, don't judge

This world can be a big place. It doesn't seem so big when you're in your own little corner of it. You know all the people around you and even if you don't know them, you recognize their faces. You have your relationships, your friendships, your spaces, the places you go, and the places you don't. And all those things, plus some more, make up your little corner of the world. And it seems so small. Until you leave your little corner of the world and go someplace else. And then you realize how big the world really is and there's an overwhelming reality of how empty it can be.

“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. And intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” 
― Janet Fitch, White Oleander


Think of yourself an independent. Well you don't have to think it if it's true. But is there a difference between independence, eternal dedication, and fear of judgement? Maybe there is. But who can stop a dreamer from dreaming? Who can stop a lover from loving? A free bird from flying? Because if nothing else matters, then nothing else should get in the way? But if nothing else matters, why do so many things find their way in?


"When you stop having dreams and ideals - well, you might as well stop altogether." 
-- Marian Anderson

Summer

Summer! I came home yesterday, making today my first official day of summer vacation. I've been waiting for this day for a while and now that it's finally here I can't believe it. I can't believe I survived this semester. I can't believe sophomore year is over. I can't believe I'm now considered a junior. And I can't believe what this summer has in store for me.

Was it hard to say goodbye to my friends for the summer? A little. But I also know that I'll be seeing them back at school in 3 1/2 months, and I might even get to see a few during these next five weeks while I'm home. Saying goodbye to everybody was a lot easier this year than it was last year. That's the sentimentality after freshman year. As a freshman, you think you're never going to see these people again, that it's going to be impossible to live without your college friends for 3 1/2 months. As a sophomore, I know that while summer vacation is long, it goes by relatively quickly. Yes I'll miss my friends, but I also know that I'll have fun at home, and I have a lot of summer fun to look forward to.

So the first 5 weeks I'll be home, except the week that i'll be on vacation in Florida with my Aunt and Uncle. I'll be spending these 5 weeks resting, unpacking, organizing for next year, taking classes, and enjoying summer. As of right now I'm not making a schedule for myself because I've been on such a strict one for the past 5 months - I need to enjoy a little freedom.

I'll be spending the later part of the summer at The Booth Theater in Maine. I'm really excited because I have lots of friends who have worked there before and they all say that they had the time of their lives. I'll also be working alongside some Wagner College Theater kids, which will be really fun. The difficult part will be saying goodbye to my boyfriend for 10 weeks, but I have faith in us. I'm excited for the beautiful summer town, the lobster, and the opportunity to play Luisa in The Fantasticks. It's been a dream role of mine ever since I saw it for the first time 4 or 5 years ago.

But for right now, I need to spend time with my family, see Michael as often as I can, get ready to enjoy my vacation week in Florida, and nurse my stomach back to health. It's been causing problems for a week and a half now. I'm not going to go into the details of my medical issues but my body deals with stress in a very specific way. It sucks but hopefully I can get things under control over the next few days.

This is Life

I have to get better at this blogging thing. I fully believe in the importance of documenting life, things that happen, and processing what goes on through free writing and reflection. When life gets busy, it becomes impossible to be able to comprehend the greatness and also the struggles. But I think that in order to maintain a clear head, a healthy heart, body, and mind, I need to spend some time processing it all. This has been a really tough semester, both in school work, and in life and what a better day than the day after Waggies to think back about it all and write.

First of all I need to talk about Goddess Wheel. It was a really wonderful experience. It's been hard for me to grasp it all because even though we spent so much time working on the show, it seemed to go so fast. I feel extremely lucky to have been part of that process. I learned so much and got to work with so many wonderful, talented, generous, kind hearted people. There was a great collaborative energy amongst  the cast, crew, and creative team. We turned into a giant family. It was beautiful and I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world.

Working on an original project is unlike any other process in this business. It gave me a different perspective on casting and how to work on a show. First of all, casting is always objective, and it's never personal. This isn't new information to me, but I was seeing it from a different angle and it had a whole new impact on how I think about it. Not to mention, it's always good to be reminded of the basics because they're important and there's a reason why they're called "the basics." Secondly, I will never work on a role the same way again. Before rehearsals began I did a lot of research and character pre-work at home. I started off the rehearsal process with a whole back story for my character, a movement profile for how my character would walk and stand and for a while I was determined to stay true to these predetermined qualities. But then I realized, that's not acting and I allowed my character to change. Once I made that decision to live in the unknown, everything got more exciting, more rewarding, and more fun. Especially when you're creating a character for the very first time, when nobody has ever played that character before, why not make some mistakes, go out of the box, and make discoveries. (Although you should be making mistakes and discoveries no matter what character you're playing - I was reminded of that old rule too). By the end, my character was a completely different person than the character I started out with. She had a different name and I brought more of me into it. There was a merging of Becky and Curvacius that I could play with every night and learn and grow from.

I also have a whole new respect for writers and lyricists. They have a really difficult job. They give us, actors, the materials to work with. We're only the secondary artists, writers and lyricists have to come up with the material themselves. I always knew that it takes a long time to write a musical and have a "finished product" (whatever 'finished' means) but I have a whole new understanding of that process now. And I hope that I'm lucky enough to be given the chance again one day to witness another pair of brilliant writers develop another new project. I give Matty Selman and Galt MacDermot a huge round of applause for the hard work they put into this piece. I also want to thank them tremendously from the bottom of my heart for allowing Rusty Curcio and the students of Wagner College Theater to bring their show to the stage. If it wasn't for them, none of us would have had this experience. I know I've given my thanks multiple times already, but I really can't say thank you enough.

Moving on, to audition days, and that's another difficult thing about theater. I closed one show on Sunday and two days later I was auditioning for next semester's main stage season. No time to think about anything, be sad that one experience was coming to an end, no time to process - a reason why I think this blog is so important. I was proud of my auditions for both Putting it Together and Legally Blonde. Regardless of how casting goes, I feel like I accomplished something. I've been sick all week, vomiting, headaches, congestion, possible fever, but Brian Patrick Murphy, the director for Legally Blonde doesn't believe in sickness and so I adopted that attitude and did my thing to the best of my ability in that moment. And that's where being thankful comes into play yet again. After my Putting it Together audition I realized that I would not have been able to get through that day if it hadn't been for everything I've learned these past two years in my performance classes. I've learned warm up exercises, audition techniques, I've been training my body to focus and live up to standards no matter how sick or tired I feel. That's where acting turns into a skill. I've always recognized that acting is an art, but this is where I begin to understand that it's a skill and a craft, as well as a business. It's in the craft, the skill, and the technique that allowed me to get through both my auditions and be proud of what I did. And now regardless of how casting goes, I can be proud that I put up a good fight when by body was just begging me to go to bed.

Last night was Waggies. It was fun and I just want to say this: I fucking love my class. We're cute, fun, good looking, and a really good group of people. I can't wait to continue to spend the next two years with you guys at Wagner!!