Home?

My changing perception of home confuses me. Before going off to college I believed that the house I lived in for 18 years would always hold the title of "home." I thought that school and my dorm in Harborview would never be anything other than a college dorm to me. But now I often refer to both my house and HBV 1123 as my home. Is it possible to have more than one home? And has school become more of a home for me than my own house?

My Mom, Dad, and little sister live in my house back on Long Island. I love my family. We get along and have fun together. I was one of those rare teenagers who didn't want to kill their parents during the "rough years." Sure, we had arguments but I never stopped loving them, never hated them, never wanted to move out and get my own apartment. I enjoyed spending time with them and I still do whenever I get the chance. I'm lucky in that respect.

But each time I go back to Long Island, I'm overwhelmed with thoughts that reel through my head. Driving around that neighborhood, going into stores, restaurants, walking through the halls of my high school triggers something deep down in the pit of my stomach. I'm forced to deal with issues that I wish I was over by now. Issues that, for the most part, don't bother me when I'm at school.

At school, I'm working my ass off and having the time of my life. I'm learning an immeasurable amount and meeting great people. I have a solid group of fun, trustworthy friends and an extremely caring, sweet, boyfriend who makes me happy. Nothing here reminds me of things I don't want to be reminded of. Here, it's easy, even with all the school work and such.

So which one is my home? Or are they both my home in different ways?

A letter to all of you, sort of

I'm about to go back to school for my spring semester of freshman year. I've been home for a month. At the beginning of break it seemed like a month was a really long time and it was. It went by really slowly but I also can't believe that it's already time to go back to school. It was good to be home but it was also hard (as I talked about in an earlier blog). I was talking to a friend today who said something along the lines of "I live at school. I come back here just to visit. It's vacation." I think that pretty much hits the nail on the head.

I spent the day at the high school today. It was STAC live so I went back to see the shows periods 7, 8, 9 and to visit old teachers that I hadn't gotten around to seeing when I went back to visit over thanksgiving. Driving up that hill I feel like I no longer belong. Which is true, I don't really belong. I graduated from that school last spring and while I'm happy to see old teachers, guidance counselors, and friends - and they're happy to see me - it's very obvious to me that I'm an alumni. Walking through those hallways I no longer have the social status of a senior. And it's amusing to me when I see the current seniors walking through those hallways thinking they rule the school. And in the meantime they do. But soon enough they will all be off to college and they all think they're so cool for it. Just like we all felt last year. But what they don't know is that when they come back to visit the high school they'll realize that everybody's lives go on without them there and that a new group of seniors have taken over the hallways. When I came to this realization today it didn't surprise me. It felt like this is the way it's supposed to be and honestly I'm okay with that. I don't want to still be in high school. I mean, don't get me wrong, high school was great. But now that I'm out of it, college is so much better and that's where I want to stay.

But with all this comes other changes that are not so easy to accept. A few months ago I realized that my friends from high school ARE my friends from high school. Issues that I have with people from high school ARE issues from high school. When the new year came around I told myself I wasn't going to let these issues interrupt my future and current life or happiness. This is all easier said than done of course and I never thought I was the type to hold a grudge - I always considered myself a very forgiving person - but it turns out that this might not be so true. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I'm a caring person. Sometimes I forgot that not everybody is like me and when someone isn't so caring back it hurts. And when you've been hurt by someone it's not always so easy to forgive and forget. What I could do to move past all this is create a list of people and type out a whole thing saying all that I need to say to each person. And for some people (but not all) these blurbs would turn into more of an apology than anything else. But I'm not going to do that. It would be too emotionally difficult, and honestly, I don't have the balls to do so. So instead, I'm writing this blog and posting the link to it on my facebook so that anybody who cares about my life can read it and maybe see something in between the lines.

So I survived my first real long break from school at home. It wasn't so bad. And going back to school tomorrow I am determined to leave all the shit, all the high school drama, all the grudges, regret, and negativity here in Herricks. I know it isn't a matter of flipping a switch or wiping a slate clean. It isn't an overnight type of thing. It's a process but I've made the decision to start it. And so with this blog I say good bye to all of that. I'm saying good bye to all the baggage I don't want to carry around with me. I'm still going to talk to people from high school and stay in touch with people I want to stay in touch with but I'm going to try and look at them and my issues with them as part of my childhood. (And I had a really wonderful childhood might I add). Almost think of them (and myself) as new people. We're not the same people we used to be. We've all changed. And therefor our relationships are going to change. Hopefully looking at things from this angle will give me the peace I need to accept all of this.

Oh and one more thing - if any of my friends from high school, STAC, American Theater Dance/Eglevsky, or any other place are reading this I just want you to know I love you and miss you all. And thanks.

Happy new year!

A few weeks ago my dad received an e-mail "resolution handbook" and gave me a copy. I highlighted a few of my favorites:

HEALTH

1. Drink plenty of water

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a beggar

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees/plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants

4. Live with the 3 E's - energy, enthusiasm, and empathy

PERSONALITY

1. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about

2. Don't hav enegative thoughts or things you cannot control

3. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip

4. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

5. Forget issues of the past. They can ruin your present happiness.

6. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

7. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

8. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

SOCIETY

1. Forgive everyone for everything

2. What other people think of you is none of your business

3. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

LIFE

1. However good or bad a situation is, it will change

2. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up

Looking back on 2010:

I got into college in 2010. I went to prom in 2010. I worked hard in the areas that I love in 2010. I graduated high school in 2010. I made new friends in 2010. I worked my way up to a 3.9 GPA in 2010. I got into musical theater programs in 2010. I got a scholarship (or two) in 2010. I made the right college decision in 2010. I made money in 2010. I spent money on things that made me happy in 2010. I was there for friends when they needed me in 2010. I realized how important family is to me in 2010. I told my parents and my sister I love them in 2010. I went to California in the summer in 2010. I met Tinkerbell in 2010. I learned about myself as a dancer, singer, and actress in 2010. I harmonized in 2010. I danced at my final dance recital and became known as "number 23" in 2010. I got my first college call back in 2010. I celebrated christmas in 2010. Santa came to my house in 2010. I was nice to people in 2010. I inspired people in 2010. I was inspired by others in 2010. I got really tan and then watched my tan fade away in 2010. I became a beach blond in 2010. I laughed in 2010. I smiled in 2010. I made others smile in 2010. I ate healthy in 2010. I ate foods that are yummy in 2010. I loved and was loved in 2010.

2010 had it's ups and downs but looking back on it all it was a pretty good year. Nothing can be perfect, but here's to making 2011 even better and filled with more happiness than 2010!

Being home makes me think

What happens when I begin to feel like school is my home and my house is a place where I can see family and old friends? I never thought I'd feel more at home anywhere else than my own house but for the first time in my life it's actually easier to be at school. I love spending time with my family and it's nice to see the people I went to high school with but it's hard. It makes me think about how much is changing and how quickly it's all happening. I'm happy with what is going on in my life but sometimes I miss the way things used to be. I miss the people I used to hang out with. I miss doing the Nutcracker. I miss going to dance every day after school and all day on Saturday from 9:30 AM to 4:30 PM and feeling like I wanted to drop dead at the end of it all. When I'm at school I don't think about this stuff. I have my family and good group of friends at school. I feel like I know those people so well even though we've only spent one semester together. I'd trust them with anything. I work hard and go to classes. I have fun back in the dorms at night and on weekends. I live my life at school and don't look back. None of this type of stuff bothers me. I don't even think about it. But being home in my room, in this town where so many memories took place is like a trigger. It makes me miss the life I had when I used to live here. It makes me sorta sad...

Being at school is easy. (I know I'm repeating myself but whatever that's just how my mind thinks.) I find it easier to move on with my life and adapt to what college has to offer. I smile when I think about high school and what I did during that time in my life. I don't get sad. I don't miss it. Before going off to college I knew things would change. I knew it would become harder and harder to maintain contact with my friends from home but you don't REALLY know until it happens. When I was in high school I felt so safe and secure. I had my group of friends and I knew nobody was going anywhere. Being in college is starting to feel more like the rest of my life. Loosing contact with people I NEVER thought I'd loose contact with from high school has shown me that you never know what's going to happen. You can make plans and plans and then suddenly all your plans can get changed.

I wish I could feel so okay with everything when I'm at home - the way I am at school. I want to just be at peace with everything. Let it be the past. Let it be good, happy memories. Not let it haunt me when I come home. Maybe that should be my new years resolution??...

Thanksgiving

It's that time of year again! First I started to make a list of all the things I'm thankful for - something I've done every thanksgiving for the past few years. But then I realized that every year my list is basically the same. I might add a few things or not care so much about others from year to year but the core of the list is always the same: friends, family, my health, etc... My list is also always really long. I seem to be thankful for a lot of things in my life. So this year instead of blogging my entire list of what I'm thankful for I'm going to say just this: I am thankful that I have things to be thankful for.

Happy thanksgiving everyone.

Lets play life

I've recently come to the conclusion that you never know what's going to happen. This is interesting to me and seems to be problematic. We as people, trying to maintain organized and well thought out lifestyles, tend to plan (or at least I do) what our future is going to look like. We sort of make a game board for ourselves. We know where the start is and we imagine the finish line. We know that there will be hurtles in between that we will have to cross and so we create them in our imagination and plan how we will get past them with ease. We assume that every time we roll the dice we will get a five or a six and will be able to move that many spaces. No problem. Piece of cake. Well that isn't always the case. Sometimes you get rolled a one or a two, which slows you down on your journey across the board. And even worse, sometimes you'll pick up a card that says "go back three spaces and skip your next turn." These are the types of problems we don't prepare for when imagining our board game of life. But it's what keeps us sane. It gives us a sense of stability, a false sense of stability, but a sense none the less. How would we be able to go through life if all we ever thought about was what could possibly go wrong? It just sucks a little bit when you're reminded that life doesn't always go according to plan.

Fall Break

"Acting isn't polite; It's primal and athletic. If you're good at it." -John Jamiel, my acting teacher.

"Enjoy fall break. Watch the leaves change and make up a song about guinea pigs." -Jenny Toth, my color and design teacher

Home sweet home. It's funny how elastic I am and how easy it is for me to get used to things. I'm home until Tuesday for fall break. It's good to be home, but it's also kind of strange. I feel like I'm not used to having such a big room all to myself. I'm not used to the quiet at 2 AM on a Saturday night. I'm not used to being able to take a shower without flip flops. I've gotten used to and have come to enjoy the constant visitors knocking on my door. The sound of the elavator running all night long. The drunk girl who lives around the corner from me screaming and carrying on at 4 AM. The noise complaints and how we always laugh about them. It's silly, I know because I'm only home for 4 nights, but I can't help but miss school and the people.