Happy new year!

A few weeks ago my dad received an e-mail "resolution handbook" and gave me a copy. I highlighted a few of my favorites:

HEALTH

1. Drink plenty of water

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a beggar

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees/plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants

4. Live with the 3 E's - energy, enthusiasm, and empathy

PERSONALITY

1. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about

2. Don't hav enegative thoughts or things you cannot control

3. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip

4. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

5. Forget issues of the past. They can ruin your present happiness.

6. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

7. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

8. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

SOCIETY

1. Forgive everyone for everything

2. What other people think of you is none of your business

3. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

LIFE

1. However good or bad a situation is, it will change

2. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up

Looking back on 2010:

I got into college in 2010. I went to prom in 2010. I worked hard in the areas that I love in 2010. I graduated high school in 2010. I made new friends in 2010. I worked my way up to a 3.9 GPA in 2010. I got into musical theater programs in 2010. I got a scholarship (or two) in 2010. I made the right college decision in 2010. I made money in 2010. I spent money on things that made me happy in 2010. I was there for friends when they needed me in 2010. I realized how important family is to me in 2010. I told my parents and my sister I love them in 2010. I went to California in the summer in 2010. I met Tinkerbell in 2010. I learned about myself as a dancer, singer, and actress in 2010. I harmonized in 2010. I danced at my final dance recital and became known as "number 23" in 2010. I got my first college call back in 2010. I celebrated christmas in 2010. Santa came to my house in 2010. I was nice to people in 2010. I inspired people in 2010. I was inspired by others in 2010. I got really tan and then watched my tan fade away in 2010. I became a beach blond in 2010. I laughed in 2010. I smiled in 2010. I made others smile in 2010. I ate healthy in 2010. I ate foods that are yummy in 2010. I loved and was loved in 2010.

2010 had it's ups and downs but looking back on it all it was a pretty good year. Nothing can be perfect, but here's to making 2011 even better and filled with more happiness than 2010!

Being home makes me think

What happens when I begin to feel like school is my home and my house is a place where I can see family and old friends? I never thought I'd feel more at home anywhere else than my own house but for the first time in my life it's actually easier to be at school. I love spending time with my family and it's nice to see the people I went to high school with but it's hard. It makes me think about how much is changing and how quickly it's all happening. I'm happy with what is going on in my life but sometimes I miss the way things used to be. I miss the people I used to hang out with. I miss doing the Nutcracker. I miss going to dance every day after school and all day on Saturday from 9:30 AM to 4:30 PM and feeling like I wanted to drop dead at the end of it all. When I'm at school I don't think about this stuff. I have my family and good group of friends at school. I feel like I know those people so well even though we've only spent one semester together. I'd trust them with anything. I work hard and go to classes. I have fun back in the dorms at night and on weekends. I live my life at school and don't look back. None of this type of stuff bothers me. I don't even think about it. But being home in my room, in this town where so many memories took place is like a trigger. It makes me miss the life I had when I used to live here. It makes me sorta sad...

Being at school is easy. (I know I'm repeating myself but whatever that's just how my mind thinks.) I find it easier to move on with my life and adapt to what college has to offer. I smile when I think about high school and what I did during that time in my life. I don't get sad. I don't miss it. Before going off to college I knew things would change. I knew it would become harder and harder to maintain contact with my friends from home but you don't REALLY know until it happens. When I was in high school I felt so safe and secure. I had my group of friends and I knew nobody was going anywhere. Being in college is starting to feel more like the rest of my life. Loosing contact with people I NEVER thought I'd loose contact with from high school has shown me that you never know what's going to happen. You can make plans and plans and then suddenly all your plans can get changed.

I wish I could feel so okay with everything when I'm at home - the way I am at school. I want to just be at peace with everything. Let it be the past. Let it be good, happy memories. Not let it haunt me when I come home. Maybe that should be my new years resolution??...

Thanksgiving

It's that time of year again! First I started to make a list of all the things I'm thankful for - something I've done every thanksgiving for the past few years. But then I realized that every year my list is basically the same. I might add a few things or not care so much about others from year to year but the core of the list is always the same: friends, family, my health, etc... My list is also always really long. I seem to be thankful for a lot of things in my life. So this year instead of blogging my entire list of what I'm thankful for I'm going to say just this: I am thankful that I have things to be thankful for.

Happy thanksgiving everyone.

Lets play life

I've recently come to the conclusion that you never know what's going to happen. This is interesting to me and seems to be problematic. We as people, trying to maintain organized and well thought out lifestyles, tend to plan (or at least I do) what our future is going to look like. We sort of make a game board for ourselves. We know where the start is and we imagine the finish line. We know that there will be hurtles in between that we will have to cross and so we create them in our imagination and plan how we will get past them with ease. We assume that every time we roll the dice we will get a five or a six and will be able to move that many spaces. No problem. Piece of cake. Well that isn't always the case. Sometimes you get rolled a one or a two, which slows you down on your journey across the board. And even worse, sometimes you'll pick up a card that says "go back three spaces and skip your next turn." These are the types of problems we don't prepare for when imagining our board game of life. But it's what keeps us sane. It gives us a sense of stability, a false sense of stability, but a sense none the less. How would we be able to go through life if all we ever thought about was what could possibly go wrong? It just sucks a little bit when you're reminded that life doesn't always go according to plan.

Fall Break

"Acting isn't polite; It's primal and athletic. If you're good at it." -John Jamiel, my acting teacher.

"Enjoy fall break. Watch the leaves change and make up a song about guinea pigs." -Jenny Toth, my color and design teacher

Home sweet home. It's funny how elastic I am and how easy it is for me to get used to things. I'm home until Tuesday for fall break. It's good to be home, but it's also kind of strange. I feel like I'm not used to having such a big room all to myself. I'm not used to the quiet at 2 AM on a Saturday night. I'm not used to being able to take a shower without flip flops. I've gotten used to and have come to enjoy the constant visitors knocking on my door. The sound of the elavator running all night long. The drunk girl who lives around the corner from me screaming and carrying on at 4 AM. The noise complaints and how we always laugh about them. It's silly, I know because I'm only home for 4 nights, but I can't help but miss school and the people.

1/3 done with my first semester?!

Tomorrow marks exactly one month since classes started. I’ve been at school for exactly five weeks now. I feel like I’ve learned more in these five weeks than I did in a whole semester at Herricks, but at the same time it doesn’t feel like I’m doing any work. Although, I know that isn’t the case. I’ve already read five books, 8 plays, written papers, read poems, and made designs. Not to mention gone on auditions and spent about an hour in the practice room 6 days a week. I’ve done a shitload.

Camp Wagner. That’s what my roommate’s Dad calls it. This is pretty accurate. I have a sleepover with Brittany every night and there are always people around in my common room. It just so happens that we go to classes and do work. That’s not to say that the classes are jokes and the work isn’t hard. I’m working my butt off and enjoying every minute of it.

Today was the last day of the first module for acting 1. In other words, I’m a third done with the semester. Holey shit! I’m kind of sad to be done with David’s class for this semester but I’m also really excited to learn from John and Rusty. I’ve noticed a huge change in my voice and vocal production from David’s class, which was the vocal module of acting 1. I spent a lot of time outside of class doing his exercises and practicing the breath support techniques that he teaches. I have a long way to go but I’ve also come a long way already. Since it was the last day we had our final performance. I got an A! I was proud of myself, but when I started to think about it what does this mean? I prepared and practiced for my final. I felt like I did a really good job. But what can a letter tell me about my work? Nothing really. It’s hard to grade something that’s not black or white. The comments that my professor wrote down on my grading sheet are more valuable to me. It should be all about what I’ve learned, what I’ve accomplished, and what I know needs work. Acting class isn’t about impressing the teacher or my classmates. It’s not about getting an A+ because an A+ means perfection and an actor in training should never think his or her work is perfect. There’s always room for improvement or change or experimenting to learn more about the work. It’s an opportunity for me to motivate myself and show what I’m working on to a room full of people who can help me improve. They’re there for assist me and I’m there to assist them. We support each other and feed off of each other. We grow together and challenge each other. It’s a great working environment to be in. I’m so grateful to be allowed to explore and do research in this way.

Since I’m keeping myself busy I feel like I don’t have time to miss people. Is that a rude thing to say? I’m not home sick and I feel like I don’t ever want to leave school. The people here are all so down to earth and nice and we’ve all become super close super quickly. We also all have something very specific in common. We all chose Wagner. It may have been for different reasons, but that choice connects us in some way. Especially because Wagner is such a small school, there’s nowhere to hide. There is such a difference between high school friends and college friends. High school friends know all your shit. They’ve seen you through the awkward middle school times. They have formed opinions on you through the years. College friends don’t know anything about you. While it is a chance to reinvent yourself it’s also a chance to discover who you really are and allow your new friends to see that side of you. It’s the chance to gain trust with an entire new group of people and to connect with those people on a mature level. Not that friends from high school are fake or temporary. And I know I will be glad to see them during vacations. But they’re from my childhood and I’m no longer a child. I’m legally an adult, and I am responsible for my own actions. I’m more independent than I realized and I don’t need to cling onto people I’m used to being comfortable around. Before I came to college I didn’t feel ready to leave home, but now that I’m gone I know that I really was ready. I was just a little scared of the change. But the change has been good and I’m falling in love with my new lifestyle.

A quicky

Today when I was reading a book for my acting class I came upon the following quote:

"Energy is your zest for working, playing, loving - living. It is the biological power or force within you - your physical capacity for living and your mental attitude toward your capacity for living. In practical terms, you have "energy" if you can get through your working day with enough resources to meet unexpected demands, and still enjoy life" -Charles Kuntzleman

There have been so many things that I've learned or thought about within the past week that I would say "OH I gotta blog about this." But with the hectic schedule of a musical theater major, I haven't had time to sit down and blog while the inspiration is hot. So now, when I do have a few minutes to sit and type my thoughts I'm not as passionate about blogging all my new discoveries.

Acting class is great. We breathe and everyone is discovering and finding new really cool things about their bodies. The voice is a physical thing. And the best way of warming up your voice is by warming up your body. Some of you singers out there might find this hard to believe but it's true. I've felt the proof of it during class. This isn't to say that lip trills or scales aren't valuable. They are extremely helpful. But that's only 30% of a good vocal warm up. The rest is in your body. I would write more but I have to call my parents =)

To do's and Not to do's

College is for learning. Expanding minds. Exploring. College means lots of reading. Reading and reflecting. Reflecting on what you're learning and what you're thinking. College doesn't give busy work. To spend time is to get something out of it. To grow. To get confused. To not understand. To figure out. To understand. To ask questions and to answer them. To meet new people. Not to judge. To be uncomfortable and take academic risks. To grow older. College is the best time of our lives. When we surprise ourselves. Find out more about who we are. Find new interests. Pursue old ones.

It is not a time to waste the $44,000 on saturating oneself in alcohol. It is not a time to eat unhealthy. It is not a time to rebel against all morals that life has taught you. It is not a time to give in to dangerous temptations. To throw away everything you have worked for up until now. To pollute your mind. To be rude or obnoxious. To be scared of failing. To avoid trying something new out of fear.

Last night home

What does someone do on their last night home before going off to college? I finished packing. I'll spend time with my family. People have been posting on my wall. Family has been calling me and texting me. I know I have an amazing adventure ahead of me. Filled with learning and exploaring what I love to do. I'm excited to finally meet in person everyone that I've been talking to on facebook since April. But it's also really hard knowing that I'm leaving behind some of my best friends and my family that I'm so close with. I'm going to miss them. And I guess it's comforting knowing that if I ever do need to come home I can easily visit. My Mom told me I have a support system and a whole group of people behind me who believe in me. It's a good feeling. I feel blessed and honored for every opportunity that has already come my way and excited to meet those that are coming in the future.

Unfortunately, I did not get to say goodbye to everyone that I had wanted to say goodbye to this summer. But I'm glad to have met and befriended everyone that has been a part of my life these past 18 years. I have learned from you, shared memories with you, and experienced the transition from childhood to the teenage years and into young adulthood. I want to wish everybody good luck this coming year. I hope we can keep in touch as much as possible over facebook and when I come home for breaks. This isn't goodbye because life has it's funny little ways of making sure people cross paths again. Or at least I'd like to think that it does. I just have to know that everything will be okay. Everything will work out. The way it always has.

Singin

I've been singing a lot this summer. My sister and I have worked out a few duets that we want to record soon too. Tonight she was getting tired so I flipped through one of my Mom's many musical theater anthologies and started singing and recording different songs with my Dad's zoom. (a little recorder that I'm in love with - my parents actually got me one as a happy college present! they gave it to me tonight). I uploaded it to youtube and figured out how to embed it into my blog =)

this business

I love this business. My new best friend is backstage. I got the latest one from a newspaper stand the other day in the city and tonight I spent time circling auditions and e-mailed a few people my picture and resume. This isn't the first time I've done this and I know that an audition is just one audition and it doesn't mean anything. But you also never know. It's a mysterious world out there and the more you put yourself out there the more chances you have. I wish I could go on every audition listed but 1. some of them are 3,000 miles away in California and 2. I can't spend every day skipping class and going on auditions. That's not what my parents are paying my tuition for and that's not what I need my focus to be right now. Right now I have to train train train. Although, I do have my first audition coming up for a Wagner production. They're doing Spelling Bee this year and auditions are August 31. I've been listening to the cast recording a lot lately and my Mom gave me the script so I have to read it. I'm really excited. It'll be my first college audition. I'm so pumped because I'm starting to realize the amount of opportunities that are waiting to be taken advantage of in my future. It won't be easy and I know that sacrifices are on their way. But to be honest, I've already sacrificed so much of a normal teenage life that I'm okay with that. Bring on the work and the love.

Family

My family loves to have a good time. We love to dance and we love parties. So last weekend when my cousin Hallie got married, I wasn't surprised that my cousins and I were the first ones on the dance floor and the last ones off. We danced the whole night, right through dessert. I had a blast. While most of us live in New York, I do have some cousins in Connecticut and Georgia, and with everybody's crazy schedules it isn't often that we're all together. There are three generations of us. From 8 years old to my Great Aunt Yevi... I don't know how old she is. But despite our age differences, and some other differences we're still a family. And we still love each other. Multiple times throughout the night we found ourselves dancing in a big circle, or swaying back and forth with our arms around each other. I took the time to look around at everybody. They're my family. Times may change and friends will come and go but your family is something you're stuck with. I never really thought about how lucky I am to be from a family that's close. Things aren't always perfect, but whatever issues we have aren't big enough to keep us apart from each other. The next big event is my cousin Sami's bat mitzvah this January. They live in Georgie so the whole gang will be flying down for another big party. But until then it's facebook and a few phone calls.

The "kid" cousin table. This is only half of all of us..

Time goes by...

It's been a while since I've blogged (not counting my 365 blogging which is going really well - haven't missed a day!) and it feels good to be back. I graduated high school almost a month ago, which is still a foreign idea to me. Everything with Wagner seems to be coming so fast. I got my preliminary schedule, so it only includes my acting classes and my academic classes. It doesn't have dance or voice lessons. So as of right now, my earliest class is 1 PM and I don't have class on Fridays, but knowing me, once I get my hands on dance classes and voice lessons that will all change. Which is fine by me. I'd gladly fill up my day with dance labs and things of that nature - that's what they call dance classes that you don't necessarily get credit for, but you can take for the training and such. My friend and I were roomed together just like we planned and we're on a co-ed floor. In fact, we're on the border of the boys side of the floor so our neighbors are boys. This should be exciting lol. I still talk to people and everyone is still really nice and excited to start school. It's a weird feeling. Being excited for school to start. But it's also kind of really sad in a way. With all this excitement about school starting in 35 days tonight was the first night since the end of school that I started thinking about everything and everyone I'm leaving behind. I can't help thinking that times running out. In Mr. Gangji's famous goodbye senior speech this year he spoke about how slowly over time we loose touch. He wasn't telling us this to make us depressed, he just wants us to see the world the way it is, and as upsetting as it is, we all know it's the truth in almost all cases, and I guess it's good to know that in advance. But I can't help being scared of some of the changes that I'm going to have to get used to. And I don't mean changes of making new friends, or living somewhere new, I'm talking about leaving friends behind and saying goodbye to people that I'm used to seeing 5 or 6 days a week for 10 months out of the year. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach saying goodbye. I don't even know for sure what will happen next year, so saying goodbye might not even be necessary. It's rough not knowing. It's unsettling and I'm not a fan. It feels like part of me will be left behind when I leave on August 26th. Some of that I'm ready for, but there's a few things that I wish I could take with me. Life has to be complicated and make you think. No big change will ever be smooth and easy the way we sometimes wish it could be. That I feel confident is the truth.

Dear STAC

Four years ago I walked through that STAC door for the very first time. I’ll never forget that moment. It was the first day of school. I was a freshman. I remember what I wore. I remember walking in after the bell rang expecting to get yelled at for being late. I remember standing in the back of the room with another new STACie because there weren’t enough stools for us. I remember being called “newbie” and being thrown into the center of the circle during gauntlet of death. I remember feeling nervous and excited and really small. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Four years later and I’m standing onstage during the senior tablo. I can’t fathom how quickly these past four years have gone. There are thirty of us in STAC this year. Thirty students from completely different family situations, circle of friends, social statuses, and of different ages. But for three periods a day every day we come together and leave everything else behind. We are drawn towards each other because we all have something in common. We love art. We’re filled with passion and the need to create. We understand that there’s more to life than high school drama. We have a desire to explore and learn with one another. We are an extremely mature group of people. If we weren’t mature we wouldn’t be able to handle the type of work that we are assigned. We are constantly surprising ourselves with how talented we are and with what we are capable of accomplishing. And this is all because of STAC.

STAC isn’t just another high school class. It’s a life changing experience. It has the ability to pull its members through the most difficult times. It teaches us things that can’t be taught in math or science or Spanish or history. It’s really hard to understand how lucky we are to have the opportunity to be STACies, but we are the luckiest kids in the world. STAC is something bigger than us. It’s something that’s been around for many years and will continue to go on long after all of us graduate Herricks. We come and go, but STAC will still be here. If we’re lucky, we can leave our mark on the program, and I believe that this group will be leaving a big one.

We’ve proven that a group of thirty high school kids can respect each other and love each other. We’ve shown that we can be friends but also co-workers. We know how to fool around and have fun, but we also know when it’s time to buckle down and work. We’ve proven that we know how to support each other and be there for each other. We care for one another. And more importantly, we care about each other’s work and applaud each other when applause is deserved.

I’ve never felt this way about a group of classmates before. And I don’t know if I’ll ever have anything like this again. I hope I do. I hope we all do. But nothing can be guaranteed and that’s why we have to appreciate what we have here and always remember the amazing times we’ve shared.

I’ll always remember our first STAC field trip. I’ll remember when Jesse cross-dressed for the first time as a zombie in that be-kind rewind movie. I’ll remember our do-over fall ritual. I’ll remember watching Bari jump in the pool with a big smile on her face at Ashley’s pool party. I’ll remember being thrown in that pool with my clothes on to shoot the music video. I’ll remember when the lights went out the night we were supposed to have STAC night. I’ll remember crying during the Jim Bonnie workshop and feeling totally connected with each STACie in that room. I’ll remember our Pollack paint fest. I’ll remember washing myself off in the girl’s bathroom and making a mess. I’ll remember Jamesy and how much we all were in love with him. I’ll remember giving everybody hugs after STAC night, feeling like time is too precious.

I want to thank each and every one of you for making my fourth and final year in STAC the best one yet. And I mean it. There really aren’t words to express my gratitude. I am so grateful to have had the chance to work with all of you this year. To all the non-graduating STACies: Remember us seniors. Remember what we’ve shared. Don’t be scared for next year because of all the new people coming in. Embrace them and take the chance to make STAC 10-11 amazing in it’s very own way. Don’t take what we have for granted. Try to soak it all in now because before you know it it’ll be gone. And that’s the emptiest feeling ever. To all the seniors: We did it! We survived high school, but I don’t think we would have done that if it hadn’t been for STAC. You’re all extremely talented people and I know you’re all going on to do amazing things next year in college. But don’t forget this. Don’t forget right now. No matter how far any of you get, always remember the things that you learned in STAC and remember the relationships that made you who you will become. This isn’t goodbye because I’ll be seeing you all at prom and graduation. And who knows, maybe I’ll get to work with some of you again one day. But I want to say that I love you and thank you for giving me joy, inspiration, and creativity. I will miss you all so much.

--Becky Kalman

Manefesto!

This was an assignment for a class in school - STAC. We had to write manefestos for our end of the year portfolio. My real thing is formatted all nicely with colors but it wouldn't translate onto my blog so here is just the text. Enjoy!

Only one life but so much to do. I will make it worth my time.

Know what I have to do and commit to it. Do not let personal problems or unfortunate situations stop me from achieving what I’m working towards. If something is getting in my way, I need to take a deep breath and push forwards. Be grateful for every opportunity that I am given. You never know what the future has in store for you. Don't take my talent, hard work, or inspirational teachers for granted. The opinion of one person is not the be all, end all. I can’t loose sight of my dream just because it isn’t easy to hear the word “no.” I need to stay positive and always believe in myself, even when I feel like giving up. How can I expect others to believe in me & my talent if I do not even believe in me? Meet new people. Be nice and be friendly. Networking is key in this business. Use that to my advantage. Go one very audition that comes my way. Don't make excuses if I'm not feeling up to it. you never know. Continue to take care of my body. My body is my instrument. Never get lazy with maintaining way. its health. It will always need to be in tip top shape. Make choices and decisions with my health and safety in mind. Don’t think that I am invincible in any way. I am not. Save money, don't spent it. Remember to distinguish the difference between things I need and things I want. Nice clothes can't feed me or pay the rent. Surround myself with people who understand me and will not get upset with me if I’m too busy to spend all my time with them. Make sure that my friends & family know that I love them even if I don’t get to see them as often as I would like to because of my dedication and commitment to my work. I can’t let unnecessary personal matters get in my way. Allow myself to make mistakes and accept that failure is only part of the process to success. Not being perfect does not mean that I'm not talented. Always try to see the fun in things. I'm not entering this business for the money, but because I love it. If it's not fun, I should stop wasting my time.

Big Project - Oy vey

Cassie, Alex, and I were discussing our big project today. We started this film five weeks ago and we're no where near being done and it's due on Monday. Every chance we had in STAC we worked on this film but I think we may have bit off more than we could chew. The dance aspect makes it so much more complicated. The film would have been about 20 minutes worth of dialogue and 10 minutes worth of dance. Although we had a few days each week to work on it, we didn't have complete full weeks because of STAC art and other workshops, and we weren't able to shoot on weekends because my weekends are booked. We didn't think about this when we got all excited about our project and completely ran off with it, expanding our ideas out more and more. Knowing that we aren't going to be able to pull this off felt like crap. I'm used to getting things done and finished. I felt like a failure knowing our original plan wasn't going to happen. But none of us wanted to have nothing to show for ourselves after all that work and choreography that we came up with. So we decided to take one of the main dance pieces and turn it into a music video. We already had 85% of the choreography for it, we finished the rest of it today in class. We're going to shoot it tomorrow and thursday and possibley friday if we can. Cassie can edit it over the weekend. We're really excited about this because even though it'll be tight, we think it's possible to get done. I'm nervous that something won't go the way we planned and it won't get finished but the next two days are going to be spent shooting our butts off. I'm going through the song and choreography again tonight and organizing what shots we need where and writing down the time in the music when things take place. Oh boy.

Big project - Week of May 17

This week we are shooting some more. Today we shot one of the class room scenes - the first time that Zach and Jenny meet. The HD camera makes everything look so much more professional than the other cameras. All of the major dances have been choreographed. There are little segments here and there, but those are short and can be worked out on the spot because it's only a count of 8 spliced in with a montage of non-dance shots.

Big Project - Week of May 10

Today we finished the 2nd piece.. the "break up" scene. There's still some more choreography to get done, but we've already finished two of the big numbers, which everybody is really proud of. We hope to start shooting this week but we are in need of a boom mic? I think that's what it's called. If not, it's choreographing choreographing choreographing.

Big project - Week of May 3

This week we are working on choreography a lot! Today we worked on the "falling for eachother" piece. It's playful, fun, and I'm enjoying myself. It was really funny working with Cassie because I speak in dance language and she speaks in film language and we couldn't always figure out what the other person was saying. We were able to work around it, it just took longer than it should to communicate how a shot would look in terms of the choreography. It was kind of amusing, actually.

Life questions

After watching the movie today, I started thinking... how could I not? I'm going to school to study and train for a business that has the highest percentage of unemployment over other normal businesses. I'm in reality. I know that competition out there is fierce and I don't expect to get a job right out of college. Heck, I don't expect to get a job period! I WANT to get a job. I would LOVE to get a job. I will NEED it like I've never needed anything before. But I don't expect it. Something that I've learned about myself, is that when I get rolling and really dig deep into working on something, that takes priority over everything else. I've gone months without social plans, without spending significant quality time with my family, without having "me" time... Now granted, I don't have to worry about paying rent every month and my parents provide me with food more than three times a day. But I do know that the typical things a teenager finds important: friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, shopping, partying - take a back seat for me when it comes to my dance classes, voice lessons, and auditions. I'm even going to spend senior cut day on the set of a short film, filming a scene as a dancer/extra. While the rest of my friends are at the beach or in the city, I'll be filming. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm really excited: I sent in my headshot and resume and they cast me because they liked my look. Now I know that's got nothing to do with talent and there's only so much control I have over my look, but I'm still proud of myself. But anyway, it makes me wonder how far I'd go to follow my dream. Money isn't something that I worry about. It's not something I find important. I'm not getting paid for this film - I do get a free meal but I'm doing it for the experience. When I get paid for something, I'm satisfied and proud of my work, but I wouldn't say that it makes me happy. When I get cast in something, that makes me happy. There's real no way of predicting what I would choose if I were forced to make the decision between persuing my career after 30 years of rejection or a real job, with a house, and a stable financial situation. I won't know that until I'm forced to make the decsion. But I do know that I'll go extremely far, and that I am willing to give up a hell of a lot. I don't want to ever wonder, "what if?" I wan't to know, even if the truth isn't what I'd hope it would be.

Jim Bonney workshop #5

I wish Jim was coming back to work with us. We did the higher and lower self exercises today. It was really interesting to do it again at the end of five workshops because of how open everyone has become to one another. It was a lot easier for me to put my higher self, mask, and lower self into words today than it was a few weeks ago. We worked on scenes again. I was the pregnant character again, haha. And my boyfriends were Doug and Matt. They both played the same character. It was kind of weird playing opposite both of them at the same time. I think it would have been better if it had only been one of them but it was definitely an experience! And who knows if I'll ever play a character whose dating two versions of the same guy every again? The best part about today's workshop for me was getting to yell and bitch them out. It's always fun to yell at somebody in a scene, but getting to yell at two people at the same time felt even better. I felt like I was in power and it was refreshing.

Jim Bonney workshop #4

Today's workshop was a;woiejra;sdfjas;dfij ! The energy during all the warm up exercises was buzzing all over the place. It was vibrant and wonderful. It made me feel all filled up inside and really grounded into the ground. I felt like my center of gravity had been lowered into the deep pit of my stomach and even into my feet. I felt like I was apart of something and I was being supported by it. I felt silly and loose too. When we started doing scene work, the scripts were very open ended. There was a lot of room for interpretation. I was partnered with Kali. Our scenario: we used to be best friends, but then her boyfriend got me pregnant. I was coming to her to confess, but since I know that she's already suspicious of what's happened and because I feel like I can't trust her, I chicken out and didn't end up telling her my secret. We worked through the script with repetition, and sounds and got all wiled up. We then did the scene normally and then put down the scripts and improvised it. When we first started the imrpoved version of the scene, I felt frozen and trapped. I felt like I couldn't talk and my lips were disconnected from my body and I wasn't able to make them move anymore. Consequently, I didn't say much. I said little words like "yes" or "no." But about half-way into it something started to happen. Suddenly I hated Kali (not really Kali, her character) and just looking at her hurt me. I was scared of her. The entire room felt like it disappeared, but at the time I wasn't aware of it disappearing. It wasn't until after we were done that I noticed it had melted away. The only people that existed for me was Kali and I. I've used this before, but it felt like being sucked into a vacuum of some sorts. I started talking more than just one word answers and I started crying. It felt really good. I got out of my head which is why I wasn't aware of anything outside of just our little scene. Last year, I had to be put to sleep for a medical procedure. After our scene was over, I felt like I was waking up from that procedure. It felt like "what just happened?" Like the last 2 minutes that I had experienced wasn't really me but at the same time it totally was. It was like being empy and full at the same time. It's so hard to explain. But I know how it felt, and I want to do it again.

Big project - What we did April 27

Today we worked on our script. We're a little more than half-way done. Alex and I also worked on choreography for the last 10 minutes of class. I'm going to youtube some hip hop dances tonight.. stealing.. shhh =]

Started a new practice!!!

Hey everyone!! So I love this whole daily practice thing (something that you do artistically once a day, everyday) that I decided to start a new one in addition to my reading plays one. Actually, I was talking to Nicole about it during Lit and she said that she wanted to start a 365, which got me inspired to start one as well. I figured now is the perfect time to do it because of everything that's going on in my life and all the changes that will soon be happening. So here is my 365 blog... beckygrace365.blogspot.com FOLLOW ME!

for those of you who don't know: I have to take a picture of myself once a day every day for the next 365 days. Here we go!

Big project - Week of April 26

This week we are working on the script. We hope on finishing it this week.

Today we started it ninth period. We got the first two scenes written. The more we work on this the more I can see it happening in my head.

College!!

It's another one of those nights! I'm so excited I actually feel like I'm going to burst. I got a facebook message thread tonight from a all the musical theater majors class of 2014 that are going to Wagner next year about all hanging out in the city in May to meet each other. Everyone is so nice and friendly. I spent hours talking to different future class mates of mine. I've also gotten various wall posts and other messages from current freshman musical theater students. They keep saying how excited they are to meet all the incoming freshman! It's amazing how much support they show for us. It's a tiny school. About 1900 undergraduate. And the musical theater program has about 20 kids or less each year. So it's a really intimate group of people that I'm getting to know. And I cannot wait. I really think Wagner is going to be a great place for me to spend the next four years. AGHHHH!!!!! I can't wait for college

Rob workshop!! Day 1

Today we had to choose a photo partner. Mish and I were partners. We spent a lot of time outside taking pictures and thinking of our deep dark secrets that Rob had us write down on a piece of paper. I'm so used to taking silly pictures or smiling pictures. It was really fun to think of something that nobody knows and to be photographed while thinking about that. We also made the dance studio into a make shift photo studio and we got to take pictures of each other with Rob's camera as well. I think we got some really cool shots with that cause it's professional quality. Again, being vulnerable in front of the camera was kind of addicting. I want to do it again. Every time I have a "photo shoot" I'm reminded of how much I like taking pictures. This magazine is a really great idea. It's gutsy.

Big project - What we did April 22

Today we finished the treatment! We also looked for songs for each number. We found songs for every number but one. I'm really excited for this project to really get rolling. I think I'm the most excited for the break up scene. haha. I can't wait to get mad and go crazy with the dancing. It's gonna be dangerously fun

Jim Bonney workshop #3

What a day! I love this workshop more and more. And I really love the people in it. What went on in the workshop today is secured and understood to be confidential among those who were in the workshop. I will not break that trust. We exercised our emotional lives today. Well we do that every time we meet, but today we really dug into it. It felt good to be supported and to support the other members of my group. I am proud of each and every one of us for being as brave as we were today. Some of us are braver than others, and that's okay. What matters is that each individual is taking giant leaps towards their personal idealized sense of bravery.

Today's song was "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls:

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

This song really hit home for a lot of us. And I know that each of us brings different meanings to it. I brought a different meaning this year, from the last time we did this workshop about a year ago. The lines "Cause sooner or later it's over/I just don't wanna miss you tonight" really stood out for me personally. And that's because of the context that I'm bringing to it.

So often we make the assumption that other people won't understand what we're going through. But something that I got from today's workshop is that those assumptions aren't true. There are so many people in this world, who all have so many different experiences, that there are people out there who go through the same exact things that you do. And even if you don't know what it's like to go through something, you can still support them. There's a whole world of people out there just waiting to support you. The world can be a cruel place, but I think that deep down inside of us there's a desire to connect. To reach out to somebody. To support somebody.

Big project - What we did April 20

Today we spent a lot of time in the library looking up books about the techniques of filming dance. We finally found that looks like it knows what it's talking about and Cassie is going to order it. The movie "Opus Jazz" is not available to the public. It's being shown at film festivals all over the country, but right now it's not schedule for being shown in NY in the near future. It's also been on TV, but it wasn't listed on the schedule for the next month or two. This could change. But as of right now it's not being shown. However, I was able to find clips of the movie on the website. They're each about 4 minutes long and there are a few of them. We'll watch those to at least get a gist of it. We spent the last two periods working on our treatment. We already had a starting point from the last time we met, and we added to that and changed a bit of it around. We're halfway through with it.

Big project - what we're doing

Cassie, Alex, Mish, and I are making a movie mixing dance with dialogue. It will help us learn how to film dance and it will be a challenge for me to choreograph something that isn't meant for the stage. The film isn't about dance, rather the plot of the film is told through the use of dance.

Big Project - Week of April 19

This week I'll be doing research with Cassie, Alex, and Mish on techniques to film dance. GOOGLE IT!

I'll also be trying to get my hands on NYCB's film "Opus Jazz." It's a story told entirely through dance and it's a film. It would be great for us to watch but it's not the type of thing that we can just pick up at blockbuster. I've tried to get my hands on it before and it wasn't so easy. But maybe since it's been out for about a year it'll be easier. I'm going to make some phone calls and see what I can find out.

If we can't watch that I think it would be a good idea for us to schedule a play date to watch the dance sequences in West Side Story. It'll give us a good idea as to how to film motion without disrupting the natural flow of the choreography. The cinematography shouldn't take away from the dancing, it should add to it.

Jim Bonney workshop #2

On Friday Jim brought in lyrics and had us recite them with different subtexts. I remember doing this last year. After all the work I've done with subtext over the past 7 months I had a really different experience. It's a lot easier for me to think one thing and say another. I understand my motives better and act more on my instincts. Simply stated, I'm more in the moment, free, and spontaneous about it. There's a lot less planning going on, which usually serves as a huge block.

I think I mentioned this in my last blog about the workshop, but I'll say it again. I really like this group. There's a lot of eye contact and the level of comfort is great to work with. When I'm working with a partner, I focus on their eyes and body language a lot. It gives me something to react to and something to work with. It seems like everyone is really open to letting other people in.

At the end of the warm up exercises on Friday I felt a lot differently than I did on Wednesday. On Wednesday I could verbally describe how I was feeling, on Friday I couldn't. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Biography

I want to read All His Jazz: the Life and Death of Bob Fosse by Martin Gottfried

The first time I was introduced to the Fosse style was at a summer intensive about 6 or 7 years ago. He is now one of my favorite choreographers. I can't even count how many hours I've spent in a rehearsal with the ATDW Co. perfecting a Fosse piece such as Rich Man's Frug or Crunchy Granola.

Jim Bonney workshop

The workshop today was great! I took this workshop last year and I know that I'm going to have a completely different view on it this year. Since last year's workshop, I've done 3 musicals, the Nutcracker, and worked on monologues for my college auditions. I've also seen a lot of really good theater. Yesterday at Wagner, I got to see the students there do some of the same repeating exercises that Jim does with us. Those students are on a more advanced level, and had to used those exercises to feed into the scene they had to perform that day in class. I was able to see what a huge difference the prep work made. The group that's taking this workshop is a lot more open minded than last years group. There's a more united energy and that makes it easier to trust and to work. If I look like a fool in front of my classmates that's fine with me. I know they won't be judging me and I hope they know that I wont be judging them.

College

Today I followed a student at Wagner College. I got to sit in on two classes - one of them was acting 4, which is a junior acting class. They're working on scenes and two groups were presenting their scenes today. I was able to do the warm ups with the rest of the class and then I got to observe. The work was really impressive and extremely mature. For prep, they did some of the same repetition exercises that we did in Jim Bonney's workshop! I was like, "Oh, I've done that!" Haha, it was cool.

And I have decided - I'm going to Wagner!!! Theater performance major (which is just a fancy way of saying musical theater) I'm so excited. And I cannot believe how easy it was to make this decision - I thought it was going to be a lot harder. I've already started talking to kids on facebook who are going to Wagner next year. Everyone is really friendly and nice. I feel like I kind of already have one foot out the door.

Quote of the day

"You can only enjoy the good in life if you have some hard times to compare it to. After all we only have good because we also have bad. Without bad what would good be? It would be nothing special, that's for sure." -Me, myself, and I

My book presentation

Presenting my book was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was for me to talk about what I had read considering I started this book a little over a month ago. Ideas that I read about at the beginning of the book popped into my head and so I talked about those ideas instead of the ones I had prepared to talk about, which were the ideas he presented later on in the book and the ones I was most familiar with - or so I thought. I discovered that I can give a presentation without any kind of poster or slide show to base it off of. In the past, I've always had either a poster or slide show to back me up during my presentations. I'm not sure what I like better - having a power point, or just casually talking about what I learned.

Having a power point:
PRO-My thoughts are extremely well organized beforehand. I know exactly what I'm going to say and in what order I will say it.
CON-I find that power point presentations tend to get extremely monotonous. Sometimes I forget to actively think while giving my presentation, so I rely solely on the slide show for my information and that can get really boring.

Not having a power point:
PRO-It's easy to say what you mean and how you actually feel. It's more fun for the speaker and the audience. It's natural.
CON-Without something organizing what you want to say, it's really easy to think out loud, and be a little all over the place. The transitions from one topic to the next might be a little awkward and it might not flow as well.

When I dance...

Tonight I was reminded of why I love to dance. When I dance, my world is a better place. Everything else goes away and doesn't matter anymore and I know that everything will turn out alright and that I'll be okay. When I dance all that matters is that I'm in the studio with people who love and support me and we're all dancing, working up a sweat, and creating together. It's peaceful. Relaxing. Energizing. Stimulating. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. And it's comforting too. It's what supports me. And I know that no matter what happens with my life, no matter what changes it'll always be there for me to come home to. Even when I'm old, and my body falls apart, the studio will always be there. I'll still be able to choreograph and dance with my mind and my heart even if I physically can't do the movements. And the music too. The music that I dance to- when I listen to the lyrics, they're telling me good things too.

Thank god for time management =]

I did it! I survived spring break.. well more than survived I had fun. I didn't have any time to rest, or relax but I did get all my home work done that I needed to get done and hung out with friends. It's times like these when I am completely amazed at myself. Thank god for good time management skills. I really don't know where they came from. My parents don't have them, but for some strange reason I was born with them. And for that I am very happy!

Countdowns:
In 4 weeks I will have decided where I'm going to school next year! Right now it's between Wagner, Muhlenberg, and Cortland. But Montclair still hasn't gotten back to me so it's hard to crack down on making this decision until I know if that school is going to be in the running or not. It's either yes or no, pretty simple.
In 5 1/2 weeks I will be all done with AP classes! Now THIS is exciting. Most of my homework comes from my two AP classes and without those classes I know I'll have a lot less to worry about. That's not saying that I wont have anything - I'll still have my Quest project and Pig paper but that doesn't compare to the workload from those two classes combined. I'll also have 2 or 3 periods off depending on if it's a blue or silver day which is the most off periods I've ever had in high school!

Right now life is good and I'm grateful.

AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!

Spring break? No way. It's going to be like home school. Wake up at 8. Do sociology homework, PIG paper stuff, study for AP psych because I have a test the Tuesday we come back, do my AP Lit 5 centuries of poetry research project, do practice AP Lit exam assignments, write a practice summary, art history STACaPEDIA entry, Brecht summary, 2 charcoal drawings with a written statement, a revised artist statement, prepare a book presentation, and shoot/edit a movie. Go to sleep at 12 AM. Wake up at 8 the next day and do it all over again. Not to mention, my last college audition, seeing a show at Muhlenberg which basically takes up a whole day, going prom dress shopping, going to passover Seders, and starting to make my decision about which college I want to go to next year. Deposits are due May 1st, which means I have to make my decision about a week prior to that. !@#$%&*&^@#$ Alright so I guess you could say seeing the show and going dress shopping are fun things, but in the context of everything else I have to do, they're going to be rushed and will turn into something I have to do, not something I want to do. I know I'll get everything done. I have some weird ability to be able to do things like that, I just wish that my Senior spring break wasn't so jam packed with work, work, work. What happened to "Yay it's spring break! Let's have sleepovers and go into the city, and take dance classes and see Broadway shows and have some fun."??? So maybe you're saying well why did you save everything for spring break. I kind of didn't have a choice. I just finished a show. I've been doing work constantly. Staying up until midnight or 1 AM every night doing work. I'm turning into a hobbit. I stay in my room and do homework. I only leave my room to go to school or dance. No joke. Second semester of senior year is supposed to be easy. I don't ever remember being this bogged down with work during this time of year. Ever. And I'm blogging because it's supposed to make me feel better, but I'm not sure if it is. I work my ass off all the time, and it's paying off with all these college acceptances and stuff, but I don't even have time to really appreciate them. I celebrate for ten minutes, and then it's back to work. And then there's the issue of sleep. Do I stay up as late as possible doing work and risk getting sick from sleep deprivation or do I take care of myself and go to sleep?

AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Theater traditions

My mom is the theater arts director at the Sid Jacobson JCC in East Hills and she produces five or six shows a year. Every year I choreograph the show for the 3rd-5th grade group. This year we did Grease. Interesting choice for kids who don't understand much about sex, pregnancy, and cigarettes. Anyway, today before their final performance, I was in the dance studio with all the kids and this one little girl Paulina starts gathering all the kids together in a circle. I've known Paulina since she was five years old. She's now a fifth grader. I used to do all the summer stock shows at the JCC, so I've worked with her a lot. Before shows, it was always a summer stock tradition to shake it out, do the hokie pokie, and pass the pulse. Similar to the High School traditions that we do every year before the show. So Paulina starts gathering all the kids together to do the traditional warm ups. I was so proud to see that my group of friends and I had left behind some sort of legacy doing shows there, that was now being passed on to a new group of kids. It was really cool. We taught them well.

You'll Never Walk Alone

Another Herricks High School show has come to an end. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to everyone who came to support me and the rest of the cast, crew, and pit. Thank you so much for being a fabulous audience every single night. You restored my faith in Herricks theatrical audiences.

It's still really strange being a senior. When the alumni came opening night, I kept thinking of them as "the seniors" when in actuality they're college freshman and I'm a senior. I made my "senior speech" before the show yesterday. Now that was really weird. The past 3 years, I've listened to seniors give speeches, but this time it was me who was making one. I didn't really know what to say, although I'm pretty sure words can't express what I want to express. It's important to me that the traditions continue. The warm-ups are the same ones we've been doing since middle school and the idea of a senior speech is special too. There's a legacy that each group of graduating seniors leaves. And we want that legacy to be passed down so that we're not forgotten. "As long as there is one person...who remembers you-it isn't over." (the Heavenly Friend) That's whats so unique about school shows. They don't have the professionalism that a professional production has, but they have a bond between cast members that can only be acquired through years of going to school together. I've grown up with certain members of this cast, and that is what makes it so hard to take the final bow.

Thank you so much to the entire cast, crew, and pit for making my senior show at Herricks a memorable one. I am honored to have had the chance to work with all of you before I graduate. And who knows? Maybe some of us will get to work again some day in the future...

"Walk on with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone. You'll never walk alone"

P.S. - Good news, good news! This past weekend, I got acceptances into musical theater programs at Wagner and Cortland!

Welcome to hell week

The show is going to be beautiful. I was talking to Megan today and it's amazing how lights make it look like an actual show. The chunks are coming together, under some really cool looking lighting. I'm throwing myself into this show and absolutely loving it. My lifts with Jared today were the smoothest they've ever been. The dance is exhausting. When I throw myself into the bed, my chest is rising and falling so violently. It's a great workout!! And it's really fun to dance with the people I'm dancing with. We're all working so hard, and it makes me really proud of all of us. Also, today the scene between Doug and I was scary as heck! I feel like I actually forgot that I was talking to Douglas Fabian. And the look on Doug's face when he is about to show me the star-I felt like he was a pedophile or something. It was really sketchy. But I like it. When I got off stage I felt like I had been sucked into a vacuum and thrown back out again. It was weird. But cool.

=]

I've gotten so much stuff done the past few days and I feel fabulous! "I feel good, dur dur dur dur dur dur dur. I knew that I would, dur dur dur dur dur dur dur. I feel nice, dur dur dur dur dur dur dur. Like sugar and spice!"

And that's the end of today's blog. He he he

More lessons

The past week has been filled with a lot of really intense thinking. I guess that's always what happens after someone you love is suddenly gone. My cousin was a teacher and not only because she worked at POBJFK high school, but because she as a person was always filling others with knowledge - even when they didn't know it. Even now, when she's gone, somehow I still feel like I'm learning from her. She was involved with everything. A full time teacher, mother, and husband, in charge of so many after school clubs and activities. She was always on the move. Always had something to do. It's impossible for someone who didn't know her to fully understand what her day was like. Like I said before, she really lived life to it's fullest. She got everything she could out of it. And she enjoyed every second of it. As I sit here and think about my own self, I hope to squeeze as much out of my time here on earth as she did. I have so much school work to do and it could be extremely overwhelming. (Second semester senior? Not a chance? Does that even exist? Ha Ha Ha) But I feel like if my cousin was here to talk to me she would tell me that doing my school work and learning as much as I can are what I should be doing to get the most out of life. I only have 4 more months left of high school, left of Herricks. As insane as it is, I think that studying and reading and doing research is what I should be doing right now to get the most out of my senior experience. I'll only be a high school senior once. And I'm halfway through it. I'll only learn this material once in my life. It would be nice to actually learn it and remember it in the future. Although, I'm not sure if I'll actually remember it. But it's a nice thought.

I think she would also tell me to enjoy the next three weeks of Carousel rehearsals. Especially hell week. My last high school hell week. That's kind of hard to type. This is my eighth show at Herricks. And my last time performing with these group of kids. Some of them I know really well, as I've done so many shows with them and we have become really good friends. But I also wish I had the chance to get to know some of them better. If my cousin could, I think she'd tell me that it's not too late to get to know them. I still have three weeks. There's still time to make a connection. Even if that connection doesn't last once the show is over, the connection still would have been made. And it'll enhance my performance and the experience and make the time we have to spend together much more fun.

It's weird. I love my cousin and I know she loved me. But it wasn't as if I got to see her all that often. She came to see me in a lot of my shows and I would see her at holidays all the time. So it's not like I got to see her everyday and suddenly that's changed. But I still feel weird. I miss her. I guess I miss knowing that she's there where she's always been.

I feel like everything I do now is related to her. I wear a pink bracelet every day now. It gives me comfort a little. She loved music and theater, so when I sing or rehearse, I feel like I'm doing it for her. She loved knowledge so when I do school work I feel like it's for her. Today in Chamber Choir Ms. O'hanlon quoted Rent. She took her seniors to see that show and I'll always remember the first trip she made with them. I was too young to see Rent, but I knew of the show. I thought it was so cool that a high school was allowing its students to go see a Broadway show in the city with their favorite teacher. I have a very strong memory of sitting on the kitchen floor listening to my cousin and my Mom talk about the show and all the reactions that students had. So when she quoted the lyrics, it made me think of her. She's everywhere. Which is quite amazing considering the type of person she was. I wish there was some way for me to fully encompass her persona on here, but there isn't. The closest I can get is the facebook group dedicated to her which currently has 3,456 members and the number keeps going up. She's touched way more than 3,456 people in her lifetime. Not everybody has a facebook. That's only a small percentage of the effect she has had. I know I'll continue to think about her in the future. And right now everything I do is for her. And I'm going to enjoy every second of it and be grateful for everything that gets thrown at me. That's how my cousin lived her life. And that's how I'm going to live mine. She's taught me that.

Birds eye view, death and dying.

I had my audition up in Fredonia this weekend, so my Dad and I flew up to Buffalo and then drove to Fredonia. I find flying absolutely fascinating. Seeing the world from that view, so high up in the sky is thrilling. Seeing the tiny cars and houses and everything from up above. I was sitting in the window seat so I just looked outside for the take off and landing. It's amazing how little time it takes: one minute your on the runway, and not too long after that your soaring through the clouds and then you can look out the window and see the fluffy white things far below you.

I also decided on my quest project this week. I want to have a fundraiser or fundraisers to raise money for the American Cancer Society in memory of my cousin Sandi. Talk about a life well lived. My cousin touched so many people and changed to many lives in the 50-something years she had on earth. It's something inspiring and humbling. She's a celebrity but not in the sense of paparazzi and national fame, but in the sense of being a town hero. Teacher of the year awards. Hometown hero awards. You name it, she did it. On the last day of class, every year, she would give all her seniors a poster with life lessons on it. One of her students posted it on the facebook page dedicated to her.
TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR A BRIGHTER FUTURE:
1. Realize that life isn't always fair. Accept what you must, and change what you can.
2. Think before you act. A moment of carelessness or anger can cause years of anguish and regret.
3. Look for the beauty in life, in nature, in people, and in yourself.
4. Appreciate what you have: the people, the opporunities, the material possessions.
5. Make the effort to have fun: it's a great way to bond with others, and it makes some of the best memories.
6. Set aside time for yourself. Do something you enjoy without feeling even a little guilty.
7. Accept others without judgement. Everyone is unique, and it's okay to be different.
8. Forgive. Bitterness and resentment hurt you more than the person you direct them at.
9. Learn. Open your mind to new ideas and activities and don't be affraid to try.
10. Dream. Make plans, believe in yourself, and go for what you want.

It's interesting that I should be thinking about flying and the sky and all that and also be thinking about my cousin and passing away and death and dying. There's this idea of heaven. I don't believe in God and I don't believe in the idea of a physical heaven, but I guess there is something to say about finding comfort in the idea of people looking down on loved ones once they've passed on.

Vacation?

My Feb. vacation started Tuesday night when I found out that we had a snow day the next day. I was so excited. I spend two whole days in my PJs doing nothing. Well, okay, that's not true. I read and practiced a lot. And I slept, which was needed. It was great. And so anyway, not I'm on vacation and it doesn't really feel like vacation. Every single minute of my week except next Sunday, the 21st is scheduled. And I'm not kidding. For example tomorrow: Wake up at 10. Eat breakfast, shower, change, read for AP Lit if I have time. Rehearsal from 12-3. Come home, warm up. Voice lesson from 3:30-4:30. After that work on my dance for my Muhlenberg audition and read more for AP Lit. Go out at night. It's insane. It's really confusing for me. I live my life on a busy schedule like this all the time. It's never really bothered me before. I guess that's because I always knew that I had vacations built into my year to take a week to relax. But this year those vacations don't exist. Just because I don't have school doesn't mean that I'm off. I still have school work to do along with other stuff. But the thing is, the other stuff, which I have always considered fun turns into something stressful. Like rehearsal, or going out with my friends, or going on an audition. That's ironic, isn't it? Going out with friends is supposed to be what people do to take a load off. In my case, it only adds madness and chaos. One of my best friends who I don't hang out with outside of dance texted me last night asking when I was free. I had to tell her I wasn't. I felt so bad saying no to her. Making plans, being social, is more stressful right now than anything else. There's something odd about that. These are all things which during the normal school year I enjoy and look forward to. But now my brain is telling me I'm supposed to be on vacation, relaxing, taking time off, and it's very confused by the fact that I'm not doing any of that. I guess I feel like because I don't have time to do nothing, I can't appreciate everything else that I want to enjoy doing. Does that make any sense? It's like too much of anything isn't good. I just want one week to relax. If I had that, I know I'd be able to appreciate everything else that I have to do and I would be able to enjoy it the way I always have. If I had one week off, I'd be able to spend it waiting in excited anticipation for when I could jump right back into everything.

There's also stuff going on outside of all this that is probably putting a lot of pressure on me in ways that I wish I didn't have to deal with. And the funny thing is, I'm not really dealing with these issues at all. I pretend they don't exist until suddenly it's staring me right in the face and I have no choice but to deal with it for a day. And when I do have to deal with it, it's like dead weight is being pounded all over me. I don't know how to describe it. It's exhausting. It's really hard for me to talk about so I don't talk much about it. As you can see right now, I haven't even said what's going on and I don't think I will just because I don't see the point in doing so. The odd thing is, this issue makes me think so much about things, one of which completely contradicts my entire first half of this blog/rant. I've been thinking a lot about being grateful for everything, and not taking anything for granted and maybe my ability to be busy is something I need to be a lot more grateful for. I know that this summer I will have lots of time to do what I want to do. And if I want to be busy, then I can be busy. If I want to take it easy, I can take it easy. I'm going to LA to stay with family for a week or two so it'll be really nice. That I can look forward to. I need to just take a big breath and know that everything will get done. It always does. I have no idea how, but I always manage. And usually I feel pretty good about myself afterwords. I also am usually really tired. But oh well.

Anyway as far as my issues go, I don't know how to handle them which means I'll just end up trying to ignore them like I've been doing. Except, I'm pretty sure that's not the best way to go about it. Because soon and I don't know how soon a bomb (figuratively speaking) is going to be dropped and then everything changes. I don't know how I'm going to feel once that happens. Part of me expects to feel relieved, although I feel like a terrible person for saying that. It's very hard to make sense of all this, although I completely understand what I'm saying and I guess that's really what matters. This has turned into some cyber self help therapy blog.

Or here's a new idea... Maybe the reason I'm so worked up about not having time to relax isn't because I actually need time to relax. Maybe it's because I need time to work out this issue that I'm dealing with. To actually sit down, face it, and come to terms with it. If I did that I'd probably feel a lot less cluttered about everything. It would just free up a lot of space. The only problem is I have no idea how to do that. And I'm a little tentative about doing it too.

Happy valentine's day!

The Physics of Dance

My book finally came in the mail! And I started reading it.

"Though we work hard to give the illusion of defying...gravity...physics applies to every movement we make and must be taken into consideration"
"Technique is only a tool-a beautiful and essential tool but not the ultimate goal. In the end it is the illusion that counts, the character, musicality and intesne personal involvement of the dancer that creates a performancel." -Francia Russell from the forward of The Physics of Dance by Kenneth Laws

"Confusion is the prerequisite for enlightenment." -Peter Platenius

Snow day entertainment

Last night it was blizzarding outside and my family was keeping warm in our flannel PJs with the heat turned up. I had passed out from exhaustion for about an hour, when I woke up to chaotic noise. The house next door has a lot of really tall trees in their backyard and so telephone wires and other electrical wires run through the trees. Well the weight of the snow was putting so much pressure on one of the wires, that it started to spark. It sounded and looked like our neighbors were putting on a fireworks display in their backyard. And apparently, while I was sleeping one of the sparks started a flame and the tree caught fire for a few seconds, but the snow stopped it from being anything serious. My parents called the fire department when this happened and they came. There was a man outside in the middle of this blizzard in just a t-shirt. And a dog. And 3 huge firetrucks. My Mom whose a bit of a worrier when it comes to stuff like this asked one of the firemen what we should do and he was like "just don't go in your backyard." Then she asked him if we had to leave and he laughed at her with "no you don't have to evacuate." I found this hylarious.

When all that finally died down I practiced my songs and monologues and the whole entire family watched. It was great. My Mom and sister can always give constructive criticism but my Dad's the best. He's like my own personal cheerleader. I think of my Mom and Dad as perfect opposites. They both tell me that they're proud of me, but my Dad is really good at boosting my ego, and my Mom is really good at giving me the reality check and making sure my ego stays in check. I thank them for supporting me and giving me confidence, but making sure I don't get out on control and stay human about this whole thing.

Come on, Amazon.com!!

So about a week or so ago I ordered The Physics of Dance by Kenneth Laws (I'm pretty sure that's the author's name) on Amazon.com. I always order books off of Amazon because they offer great prices and they come in the mail relatively quickly. Well, my Dad gets the e-mail confirmation/credit card bill and it said that I ordered 2 books.. The Physics of Dance and The Decameron. I never ordered The Decameron, I never even searched it on Amazon. Well this weekend, a box came in the mail from Amazon and low and behold they sent me the Decameron. And they won't send me the book I want, but my Dad's credit card has already been charged. This is just silly.

Crazy theater people

Tonight I was tired and not really up for practicing, but I knew I had to so I went about doing it anyway. When I finished one of my songs I started telling my Mom how I felt tired and weak because I was tired but that I wanted to continue just to go through everything since I have an audition next a week. My Aunt is in from California and she shouts down the stairs "you sound great!" Well naturally, I flip out. "AGHH!!!! What? I hate when people do that. I feel like crap. I sound like crap, don't tell me I sound good when I sound bad. Tell me I sound bad." (After I finished practicing I appologized to her and we had a nice little chat about your own perception versus audience perception but anyway...)

Nobody is ever going to be at the top of their game. I was pleased with my practice session tonight because I knew it was the best I could do with my tired self, but frustrated because I know I've done it a million times better before. We do this all the time. People compliment us and we say "no I sucked." If I get a compliment after a performance, no matter how I feel it went, I just take the compliment and say thank you. But if I'm rehearsing and I know it wasn't good, I don't like when people tell me it was. I feel like, I can do so much better so I don't want people thinking that my not so great run through of something is the best I got. Because it's not.

The Good Women of Setzuan

I just finished reading The good Women of Setzuan. A few really basic comments:

-The names are comedic. But they also make it hard to remember who is who. A lot of the names begin with the "sh" sound which typically stands for silence. Secrets and silence tie together.
-I also love the way everybody is announced into the scene. It's part of the Brechtian style. It's also just plain funny and kind of stupid in a way. It's almost as if it is assumed that the audience is dumb and needs to know exactly who is about to enter onto the stage or else they'll get confused.

Time

ENN. TEST:
Mostly 7. A little 2, and a little 3 and all those other numbers to some degree.

VALUES:
Health/well being, improvement, respect
I've already blogged about all this so I'm not going to repeate myself.

ISSUES:
Liberalism
Ability to think for yourself
** And I'm adding time.

I know these lists are ever changing. And I was thinking about it. I'm an organized person. Everything has it's time and place. Sort of like a slot in my personal universe where each thing can exist. I think of my life in terms of chunks of time. Like right now I'm thinking that I have one more week of school and then I have President's Week break. (My last day of school is next Wednesday because I have ACDA on Thursday with Chamber Choir and an audition that Friday) I even break my days down in terms of time. School lets out at 2:40, from then until 4:30 I have rehearsal. From 4:30 until 6:30 I do homework. From 6:30-7:15 I eat and get ready for dance. Then I have dance until 8:45. I come home and finish off the rest of the night, showering and finishing homework. Somewhere in all of that I have to squeeze in practicing and sleeping. I guess my main issue with time is that there's never enough. Not enough time in a day, in a lifetime. I manage to get everything done, but it would be nice to have more time to do it. The documentary I made about Nutcracker dealt with time. It was my way of coping with the changing of time. Louise's ballet has an aspect of time in that she's growing up. Little Red experienced time because she also grew up. I'm a senior in high school... so that's time.

Artist Statement - A work in progress!

Taking a stab at writing a real artist statement:

Preparing for a professional career in musical theatre is similar to training for a triathlon. In a triathlon, an athlete has to run, ride a bicycle, and swim for a lengthy distance. A musical theatre performer is the triathlon athlete of the arts. We are required to sing, to act, and to dance.

I dance, sing, and act because these methods of communication allow me to effect the way my audience is feeling through my dedication and commitment to the piece I am performing. I love working hard on a piece for months on end and getting to perform it in front of a live crowd. It’s like I’m in a race which lasts as long as the rehearsal period and the actual run of the show and closing night is the bittersweet finish line. The feeling of accomplishment is overwhelming and it fills me with joy. But at the same time, the idea of the race being over is emotionally exhausting and lonely.

When I am lucky enough to get cast in a show, a huge chunk of my life begins to revolve around that show. I begin to relate the events in my real life to the events in my characters life on both subconscious and conscious levels. I also look for ways in which I can use my body’s natural abilities and stretch my personal limits. As a dancer, I don’t have an ideal body. I have poor rotation in my hips, short Achilles tendons, and my right ankle is much more flexible than my left. I am always looking for ways to use what I do have – space, movement, time, technique, and power – to make up for what I don’t. As I singer, I had to relearn my technique at the age of 16. I had nodules on my chords, but with the help of vocal therapy and hard work, I was able to get rid of them. I continue to work on my technique and enjoy singing from a healthy place.

I am currently applying to colleges for musical theater and have been working with monologues for those auditions. It is not in a formal acting class, but I am starting to discover the side of me that can act in shows other than old-fashioned, corny musicals. (Not that there’s anything wrong with those shows, I respect that type of work, but it’s only one way of working and I want to be versatile.) I am discovering the importance of subtext and research and knowing exactly what’s going on. It’s very different from what I’m used to doing. I’m letting the characters work through me instead of pushing myself to work through the characters.

Daily practice

I'm not set on this idea, but I think for my daily practice I want to read plays. I've already kind of gotten myself into this trend. This school year alone I've already conquered Midsummer Night's Dream, King Lear, King Oedipus, Inherit the Wind, Collected Stories, and now I'm onto The Good Woman of Setzuan, which is extremely funny so far. I wanted to read more plays this summer, but I figure why not start right now. I could read a scene a day, or more depending on how long the scenes are. And I would just go through play after play. I could blog about what's going on and any interesting themes I find. The more I write about this, the more I want to do it. I think it would be good for me.

My issues and Values

Since my original blog post a few weeks ago about this, I've done some thinking..

I need to revise my core values: Health, improvement, and respect. I've already talked about the first two. Respect is the new one. Today in class Molly said to think about people we hate and then think about what they don't have that we do. People who I don't like are all disrespectful. It doesn't matter who they are disrespectful to. It could be towards myself, a friend, a teacher, or even to themselves. There is a code of ethics and a respectful manner that all dancers are aware of. I learned this around the age of 11 or 12 and since then being respectful has become more and more important to me. I am friends with people who can be described as respectful. I'm polite because I want to show other people respect.

Today in class when we talked about liberalism and the ability to have your own ideas I realized that that's most definitely one of my artistic issues. Over the past four years, I've grown to be able to think for myself and allow myself to express what I think. Yes, I was one of those kids in middle school who had that herd mentality. I thought what everybody else thought. Or at least I did, on a shallow level. Deep down I had my own thoughts, I just didn't express them and didn't even think to try and find them for myself. And it's been showing itself in my work. One of the monologues I'm doing for college auditions is Rachel from Inherit the Wind. That character's whole journy is about thinking for yourself and being allowed to express your thoughts. "You see I haven't really thought very much. I was always affraid of what I might think so it seemed safer not to think at all...A thought is like a child inside our body. It has to be born. If it dies inside you, part of you dies too." I also worked on the film about gossip, which ties into this in a way. When gossip is spreading your conforming to the ideas of others and spreading those around. You're not stopping to think for yourself, you're getting caught up in the trend.

Giving thanks - way over due

I find it unbelievable how hard it is to be truly thankful for our health. We all take it for granted. On thanksgiving we say "oh yeah, I'm thankful that I'm healthy..." among other things that we're thankful for, but I'm starting to think that maybe we don't really get it. We really don't know what we've got until it's gone. We all go about our days doing what we have to do and not once does it ever cross our minds that maybe we'll wake up tomorrow and something will have gone wrong on the inside.

I didn't feel well the other day, but I took Tylenol, got some extra sleep, and woke up the next day almost in perfect health. It was pretty simple and easy to fix. But sometimes peoples bodies break down so badly that Tylenol and rest isn't enough. It can happen to anybody and yet we're all so carefree, living our lives like we're untouchable.

Not only do I think we should be more thankful for our health, but also for everything that we can do because we are healthy. To be thankful that we can go out, stay up late at night, even go to school. It's a really hard concept to grasp, but I suddenly feel like it's so important and necessary that we do. To just try and enjoy every single moment of our lives no matter what annoying tests we have to study for. Because it's so much better than being ill. To get every single thing out of being healthy - to almost suck the joy out of it and thrive off of it.

2 down.. 7 to go

I just had my first two college auditions.. Saturday was Marymount and today was NYU.

It's interesting - going on auditions. I feel like we put "audition" on some type of pedestal. But if you're going to go into this as a profession, you've either got to build an elevator from the ground up to that pedestal or take the pedestal away and put "audition" on the same level as you. My parents keep saying that this is practice for the rest of my life. My Dad says that he knows I'll be fine because I always come home with a huge smile on my face after an audition. I find it fun. I mean, today I got to dance for an hour, then I performed my 2 monologues for a professor who was really nice and supportive, and then we chatted in my "interview" about my experiences and about theatre in a global setting, then I sang a full song and a 32-bar cut of two songs that I really like to sing, and then chatted with another really nice professor about my vocal training and all that jazz. It was fun. If you like theater, doesn't that sound like a day from heaven? Now I know, you don't always run into people who are so nice and supportive, but I feel like.. everyone's human. We're all people, and we all just wanna do what we love and share it with others. When thinking about auditions, there's this expectation that we put on ourselves that we have to be perfect, and we have to act a certain way and say everything grammatically correct, but I actually don't think that we have to do all that. I feel like it's much better to watch a person be a real live person than be someone going on an audition. We all prepare, and prepare, and prepare but sometimes I think that too much preparation gets you stuck. At my Marymount audition they had me do my monologue three times. The first time I just did it, then the second time and third time they gave me different ways to try it and play with it. When I did my monologue today, it felt so much different - in a good way. I had made all these choices right? In my whole preparation, I had done what an actress is supposed to do making choices, bla bla bla, but after trying it a different way, which isn't necessarily the "right" way, it loosened me up. I think I was stuck in my choices, and my Marymount audition got me out of that. It loosened the lid and let pandora's box come out. It's kind of hard to put into words, but that's why we act, right? To say things that we can't necessarily put into words.

Enneagram tests

This was the second time I've taken this test. I remember the last time that I took it my score for a 7 was significantly higher than my scores for the other numbers. This time around, some of my other scores started to creep closer to my score for 7, which was still my highest score. Apparently, I now have some more 2 and 3 in me than I used to.

I don't know how I have more two in me, who is supposed to be the helper. I mean, I guess I do help out other people when I can, and I feel good after doing so, but I don't place others above myself. I used to..now that I think about it. I used to go all out to do a favor for people. I used to care about other's feelings more so than my own, but that all changed once I got into high school. I still try not to be selfish, and I don't consider myself selfish, but I do pay more attention to my own needs than others. Sometimes, that's just what you have to do. If nobody is going to pay attention to you, then who is? That actually kind of ties into my last blog a little bit about me staying home and doing what I need to do instead of what others want me to do. Doing what's best for me.

The reason why I'm a little bit of a three is obvious... "They are frequently hard working, competetive and are highly focused in the pursuit of their goals" This also ties into my last blog post. AGHH!!! So much interconnectedness.

Overall, though, I am still a seven. It says that we consider our lives exciting adventures. It's funny because I feel like I've been having this conversation with my parents a lot lately especially when it comes to this whole college audition process. It's all just one adventure because I don't know where I'm going to end up. But it's an adventure that should be fun. If it isn't fun, then you should step back and ask yourself why you decided to embark on this journey in the first place. I don't believe in doing things if they aren't fun which is why I often try and make things that aren't fun into things that are fun.