A letter to all of you, sort of

I'm about to go back to school for my spring semester of freshman year. I've been home for a month. At the beginning of break it seemed like a month was a really long time and it was. It went by really slowly but I also can't believe that it's already time to go back to school. It was good to be home but it was also hard (as I talked about in an earlier blog). I was talking to a friend today who said something along the lines of "I live at school. I come back here just to visit. It's vacation." I think that pretty much hits the nail on the head.

I spent the day at the high school today. It was STAC live so I went back to see the shows periods 7, 8, 9 and to visit old teachers that I hadn't gotten around to seeing when I went back to visit over thanksgiving. Driving up that hill I feel like I no longer belong. Which is true, I don't really belong. I graduated from that school last spring and while I'm happy to see old teachers, guidance counselors, and friends - and they're happy to see me - it's very obvious to me that I'm an alumni. Walking through those hallways I no longer have the social status of a senior. And it's amusing to me when I see the current seniors walking through those hallways thinking they rule the school. And in the meantime they do. But soon enough they will all be off to college and they all think they're so cool for it. Just like we all felt last year. But what they don't know is that when they come back to visit the high school they'll realize that everybody's lives go on without them there and that a new group of seniors have taken over the hallways. When I came to this realization today it didn't surprise me. It felt like this is the way it's supposed to be and honestly I'm okay with that. I don't want to still be in high school. I mean, don't get me wrong, high school was great. But now that I'm out of it, college is so much better and that's where I want to stay.

But with all this comes other changes that are not so easy to accept. A few months ago I realized that my friends from high school ARE my friends from high school. Issues that I have with people from high school ARE issues from high school. When the new year came around I told myself I wasn't going to let these issues interrupt my future and current life or happiness. This is all easier said than done of course and I never thought I was the type to hold a grudge - I always considered myself a very forgiving person - but it turns out that this might not be so true. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I'm a caring person. Sometimes I forgot that not everybody is like me and when someone isn't so caring back it hurts. And when you've been hurt by someone it's not always so easy to forgive and forget. What I could do to move past all this is create a list of people and type out a whole thing saying all that I need to say to each person. And for some people (but not all) these blurbs would turn into more of an apology than anything else. But I'm not going to do that. It would be too emotionally difficult, and honestly, I don't have the balls to do so. So instead, I'm writing this blog and posting the link to it on my facebook so that anybody who cares about my life can read it and maybe see something in between the lines.

So I survived my first real long break from school at home. It wasn't so bad. And going back to school tomorrow I am determined to leave all the shit, all the high school drama, all the grudges, regret, and negativity here in Herricks. I know it isn't a matter of flipping a switch or wiping a slate clean. It isn't an overnight type of thing. It's a process but I've made the decision to start it. And so with this blog I say good bye to all of that. I'm saying good bye to all the baggage I don't want to carry around with me. I'm still going to talk to people from high school and stay in touch with people I want to stay in touch with but I'm going to try and look at them and my issues with them as part of my childhood. (And I had a really wonderful childhood might I add). Almost think of them (and myself) as new people. We're not the same people we used to be. We've all changed. And therefor our relationships are going to change. Hopefully looking at things from this angle will give me the peace I need to accept all of this.

Oh and one more thing - if any of my friends from high school, STAC, American Theater Dance/Eglevsky, or any other place are reading this I just want you to know I love you and miss you all. And thanks.