Another 365 project!!

For hanukkah my parents got me this really cool Q & A a day book. It's a 5 year journal filled with 365 questions with writing space for 1,825 answers. Each day of the year has it's own question and you fill up the book answering the questions. At the end of each year you start over again and answer all the questions again but with a different or maybe the same answer. I started the book tonight after the clock struck 12 and it became January 1 2012. I answered the first question and decided that I would blog some of my answers. I looked through the book at all the different questions and realized that I probably won't be able to blog all of my answers because some of them might be offensive to other people. I mean, the journal is meant to be private after all, but I want to share what I feel is appropriate for the public.

Here's a link to the journal if anybody is interested in getting one:

http://www.amazon.com/Day-5-Year-Journal-Potter-Style/dp/0307719774

So here goes...

Jan 1 2012 - What is your mission?

#FULL OUT! Never stop moving. Keep smiling, continue to love, and be inspired. And finish this book!

A look ahead at 2012

Lately I've been going through a phase where I'll be in a mood, I'll want to blog about it, but then the minute I sit down to start writing my fingers can't seem to find their way across my keyboard. And so I haven't been blogging. Not about anything and that's sort of a shame because I like blogging and I find it helpful . I have no idea who is reading this, or if anybody is reading this at all, but I like doing it anyway. I think the reason why this has been happening to me is because I'm afraid of showing an imperfection, an area of vulnerability, nervous to be a real human being with real human feelings that aren't always pleasant. This has always sort of been a challenge for me and I've gotten less perfect over time but whenever I think about blogging I think I have to be perfect again. For some odd reason I think that I should only be writing about my accomplishments, things I have to be proud of, things that make me happy and giddy. But that's the opposite of what a blog is for, in my opinion. I'm always so impressed and interested by people who blog deep things, disturbing things, uncomfortable things. When people blog about happy daisies all the time I think "good for you" and that's all. I think it takes more guts, more confidence, and bravery to blog about the things I've been wanting to blog about but haven't. So I'm going to try and do that with this new year. If I think to myself "I should blog about this" I will. I won't wait until I'm not hot blooded anymore, I'll write while I'm boiling. It'll be more interesting to read (probably) and will feel more satisfying.

I also want to try and stop this jealousy thing I have going on. It's really annoying and it goes something like this: if a close friend of mine or if somebody I care about has success or happiness or goodness in their lives I'm happy for them and I celebrate for them. But if some acquaintance of mine comes across similar success, happiness, or goodness, I stalk his or her Facebook and get jealous of whatever they're celebrating. It doesn't make sense to me and I don't know why I do it. Especially if said person is not a significant part of my life at all, it shouldn't make a difference to me because it doesn't effect me in any way.

I also want to be a better girlfriend and a better friend. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own little world of me that I feel disconnected from the people I love. It's not like I'm selfishly pushing people away. In high school I discovered that my theater work always comes first over social life and I realized I was okay with that. I have rehearsal, I have to practice, I have to do my academic homework now because I won't have time to do it later, I have to sleep because I have a lot of work or practicing or rehearsals tomorrow. That type of stuff. And I love it. But I think I might need to come out of my little bubble and find more of a balance. I want to be a better friend, more available, more open. And I want to be a better girlfriend to a boy who deserves it more than anything.

Hmmm... that's all for now.

Self Reflection

As the semester comes to an end, I have a lot to be excited about. The last two days were filled with auditions for the spring main stage musicals Urinetown and A Goddess Wheel. A Goddess Wheel, music by Galt McDermot, will be making its world premier this spring featuring Wagner's theater students! Although, both days were extremely long (13 hours one day and 14 the next), it was an incredibly fun and rewarding experience.

I have only 3 finals left, all of which are for performance classes. As I practice for my finals I can't help but self-reflect on where I was at the beginning of this semester and how far I've come. At the end of last year I remember being excited by how much I had learned in one semester. And it's no different this time around. I am so grateful to all of my teachers who pushed me and encouraged me and reminded me that this process is one of my own. I'm proud of myself for taking risks and being confident enough in myself to do things that might be out of my comfort zone. I'm proud of my friends for taking their own risks. I'm thankful that I can surround myself with talented people every single day. And I'm proud of all of us for supporting each other and being happy for each other's accomplishments.

Inspired

Sometimes the greatest gift a person can receive is to be inspired. To be inspired to work. Today I have been inspired to let go of even more inhibitions, to be vulnerable, to work my ass off, to try and try again and even if I fail to get back up and try again, to not be perfect all the time, to do me, to work for me, to have big dreams but smaller ones too, to stay humble, to take huge risks and commit to them, to always remind myself why I'm in this business. I do this because I love it. Because I'm hungry for it. Because I desire to work and explore and play. I don't need to be rich and famous, I don't need to be a star. I need to be fed creativity until I'm full. And then once I'm full I need to get hungry again. I don't need to do this for the compliments of my peers. I don't need to do this to make my teachers happy, to prove to the world that I'm talented, to give directors what they want to see. I refuse to do this for those reasons because they're cop outs and are a lot less fun. I do this to tell stories. To communicate. To reach out to people and shake things up a bit; to make them think about things they didn't know they were allowed to think about. And maybe, if I'm really lucky, to inspire someone else the way I've been inspired.

Becky Kalman, Choreographer

I've been "making up dances" since I was seven years old. My friends would come over for a play date and I'd ask them if they wanted to make up a dance with me. We'd create and then show it to our parents at the end of the play date. It was fun. I had no idea that I was being a choreographer. As I got older and started to take my dance training more seriously, I started to understand the concepts of choreography and appreciate it as a creative art form in itself.

This past summer I choreographed a fun, high energy theater dance routine to "Everybody Wants to be Black" from the Broadway hit Memphis. This wasn't for any sort of showcase I was involved in, it was for my own creative satisfaction. I didn't rent out a studio and audition dancers for me to choreograph on. I locked myself in my bedroom, turned the AC up really high, blasted the music from my mac book, and worked it out. I had a ball and am proud of what I created. I'm waiting for an opportunity to do it in front of an audience, or even better, to cast a group of technically advanced dancers/enthusiastic performers and make it a group number.

So today when I found out my afternoon ballet class was cancelled I decided to go to the dance studio anyway, since it would be empty, and play around a bit. I started choreographing a tap routine to KT Tunstall's "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" a few weeks ago so I figured I'd work on that. Despite the fact that I had to work in my bare feet (we're not allowed to wear tap shoes in this particular studio) I felt the music in my bones and translated the rhythm down to my feet. This is something relatively new for me since I've never choreographed a full length tap number before. Although I started taking tap seriously when I was twelve, I've been in many tap dances, and did 42nd Street with all Broadway choreography, I'm a baby when it comes to the world of tap choreography. Any of my past tap combinations have been maybe thirty-two bars and I never really went anywhere with them. But this time I'm getting into the feel of the music and creating my own "fascinating rhythm" with my feet.

I enjoy choreographing. I think I enjoy it as much as I enjoy performing. I love the feeling I get when I come up with something really cool or different and find a way for it to work in the context of the piece and the music. I would love to have a barrel of dancers at my fingertips to choreograph on. Actually, I kind of do. The Wagner College Theater Department is bursting at the seems with all kinds of talented dancers. Last spring the Dance Club sponsored Dance Week: Dance Across Campus which featured student choreographed pieces all over campus: on the oval, in the student union, in the art gallery, etc... Last year I was in a piece but this year I definitely plan on choreographing something or using something that I've already created and putting dancers in it.

Brisket, kugel, and apples with honey

For a while now I've had a very clear opinion about religion and where I stand on it. The religious aspect and belief in God doesn't do anything special for me but the cultural and traditional aspect of celebrating the Jewish holidays has always been something I enjoy. I like the food, I like the yearly tradition of gathering together with family and friends and spending a meal together. Sometimes, I even like to reflect on what the holidays are about and what they are celebrating. But never before have I ever felt like I would be lost without it. The past few days have been interestingly emotional for me. I didn't go home for Rosh Hashana dinner. I didn't go home last year either and I never thought anything of it. But suddenly this year it seemed like all my Jewish friends at school were going home or going to a friend's house and I found myself alone when everyone else was celebrating. Now of course I could have gone home if I had thought ahead and made the plans with my parents to come get me but I didn't want to miss my ballet class and at the time it just didn't even cross my mind. I felt weird and awfully conflicted. I really wanted my Mom's brisket and chicken noodle soup and kugel. I never experienced any kind of homesickness before and as a Sophomore in college I felt pathetic that I wanted to go home so badly. I'm going home next weekend and my mom said she'll make me a real, good home cooked meal. I can't wait. And I guess I have a new respect for what home means to me. Ever since I went off to school I never wanted to go home, I loved being here and whenever I was home I couldn't wait to get back. Not that I'm enjoying my time at school any less than I did last year, I can just appreciate how special it is to have a home to go back to.

So what did I do on one of the most holy days of the Jewish year? I went to ballet class, watched Jerome Robbins Something to Dance About, which was fabulous, had a really interesting practice session in the practice rooms, and ate some apples with honey.

My new favorite musical

Lately I've found myself listening to Broadway's The Lion King whenever I'm in my room. I've found a new love for this beautiful piece of art. While all theater is considered art, this particular show is special. The design of the show makes it look like one giant, 3-D, moving painting that I could sit in front of for two hours and be utterly transfixed. I saw it on Broadway when I was younger and last weekend during a musical theater workshop we watched a clip from their Tony performance, inspiring my new obsession with it. First of all the music is fabulous: the melodies, the harmonies, the blending of African and English to tell the classic story. Even listening to the songs in my dorm room in Staten Island, I am transported to another place. A more exotic place, a hotter climate, and a more wild surrounding. The costumes and giant puppet concept transports the audience to a magical land where the African dessert and animal survival meet Disney morals and childhood stories. And the dancing... let's just say that I had the opportunity to learn the choreography for "The Lioness Hunt" a few years ago and it was one of the most freeing and fun pieces of choreography I've ever learned. I want to see it again, now that I'm older and have a more sophisticated appreciation of live theater.

Getting back into it

Today I had a near-breakthrough moment in my musical theater performance class. And it's not like I was learning an entirely new concept either. I was reminded of something that I discovered last year in acting two; when I'm stuck in my head and I'm having a hard time connecting to the text viscerally I need to "do" something. What I mean is to physicalize the text, use my body to connect to the words instead of intellectualizing it. After doing my song ("A Call from the Vatican" from Nine) as a monologue, the fabulous Michele Pawk had me do it again pushing against a desk trying to get to Doug (one of my classmates) who was standing on the other side of the desk. When I did this task, which might seem ridiculous to those non-actor folk, I was extremely focused on the task at hand: reaching him (Doug AKA Guido for purposes of my character).

Tonight, in my practicing, I rolled around on the floor, danced, kicked my legs into the air, and threw a tantrum. It helped me get out of my head. I wasn't self-conscious about what I was doing. And the desire came through in my voice. As Uta Hagen says (and this isn't the exact quote but it goes something like this) ... acting isn't polite, it's primal and athletic!

WORK IT!

Inspire

This semester is filled with inspirational people, quotes, and speeches.

The thing that I love about Wagner is the nurturing environment that the theater professors create for their students. We are not expected to compare ourselves to our classmates. The only person I can or should compete against is myself.

I feel so lucky not only to be studying what I love but also to be doing it in a place like Wagner. Wagner students are dedicated, understanding, and ready to learn. We aren't snobbish or conceited. Talking to some of my friends, we're all inspired to be here, honored to be here, and feel lucky to be here.

One of my professors tells us that if we go to class and work hard we will get 1% better each and every day. I agree with him only some of the time because most of the time I feel like I'm improving much more than 1% each class.

Wagner mainstage debut

Today I was cast in my first main stage show at Wagner. I will be in the dance ensemble of "My Fair Lady" next semester. Besides being extremely excited to be making my Wagner main stage debut, I also felt honored and proud of myself. When I called my Mom and Dad they both started crying because they were so proud of me.

One thing I've learned this past year is how well I deal with rejection. I was not cast in any departmental productions for my freshman year (although I did get two callbacks) and I auditioned for a lot of summer stock companies (again getting many callbacks) but no job offers. Not once though did I question if this is really what I want to be doing. I continued to have confidence in myself and I continued to love what I do and I continued to be so thankful that I am able to study and train and learn about my craft at school. I focused on my classes and have come so far these past two semesters. I am proud of my work, my dedication, and my focus. And that has lead me to this opportunity of getting to work on a beautiful musical and dance the original Broadway choreography (which I am so excited to learn next fall).

If you want to be in this business you have to have a craving for it. You have to be in love with the work and you have to want it. And I mean really want it. "My Fair Lady" will open in November and run through until the beginning of December and I just cannot wait to start rehearsals for it. Well I know what I'm doing this summer: research, research, research about the time period, the place, and getting to know the show like the back of my hand.

365 days later

Today I finished my 365. This was something I started last year as a senior in high school as part of a project for STAC. I remember thinking how long it would take me to complete an entire 365. But here it is. 365 days later and I've completed the task. It wasn't always easy and I'll be honest - I did miss a few days here and there (which set me back a little bit - I still took 365 days worth of pictures) - but it still feels good to have completed it.

Looking back at my blog (http://beckygrace365.blogspot.com) I read what I wrote the very first day I started my 365. I mentioned how this was the perfect time for me to start a 365 because of how much my life was about to change in the coming year. Not only did I not realize how much it really would change, I think I also forgot about this "change" thing as I was going through this year. Change isn't easy to take and certain changes were hard for me to deal with. But overall, this year was an amazing year. And I'm excited to see where this next year takes me...

Which is why I've decided not to give up on my 365 thing. Tomorrow I will start 365 take 2: Another year of photos. Here at school a lot of people know me by my 365. It has become a part of who I am. I can't just abandon it because I've completed one year. My goal for this second round of 365 is to not skip a day at all. If that means taking a picture as soon as I wake up in the morning so that I don't miss it, that is how it will be.

Here's to another year and even more changes... CHEERS!

Home?

My changing perception of home confuses me. Before going off to college I believed that the house I lived in for 18 years would always hold the title of "home." I thought that school and my dorm in Harborview would never be anything other than a college dorm to me. But now I often refer to both my house and HBV 1123 as my home. Is it possible to have more than one home? And has school become more of a home for me than my own house?

My Mom, Dad, and little sister live in my house back on Long Island. I love my family. We get along and have fun together. I was one of those rare teenagers who didn't want to kill their parents during the "rough years." Sure, we had arguments but I never stopped loving them, never hated them, never wanted to move out and get my own apartment. I enjoyed spending time with them and I still do whenever I get the chance. I'm lucky in that respect.

But each time I go back to Long Island, I'm overwhelmed with thoughts that reel through my head. Driving around that neighborhood, going into stores, restaurants, walking through the halls of my high school triggers something deep down in the pit of my stomach. I'm forced to deal with issues that I wish I was over by now. Issues that, for the most part, don't bother me when I'm at school.

At school, I'm working my ass off and having the time of my life. I'm learning an immeasurable amount and meeting great people. I have a solid group of fun, trustworthy friends and an extremely caring, sweet, boyfriend who makes me happy. Nothing here reminds me of things I don't want to be reminded of. Here, it's easy, even with all the school work and such.

So which one is my home? Or are they both my home in different ways?

A letter to all of you, sort of

I'm about to go back to school for my spring semester of freshman year. I've been home for a month. At the beginning of break it seemed like a month was a really long time and it was. It went by really slowly but I also can't believe that it's already time to go back to school. It was good to be home but it was also hard (as I talked about in an earlier blog). I was talking to a friend today who said something along the lines of "I live at school. I come back here just to visit. It's vacation." I think that pretty much hits the nail on the head.

I spent the day at the high school today. It was STAC live so I went back to see the shows periods 7, 8, 9 and to visit old teachers that I hadn't gotten around to seeing when I went back to visit over thanksgiving. Driving up that hill I feel like I no longer belong. Which is true, I don't really belong. I graduated from that school last spring and while I'm happy to see old teachers, guidance counselors, and friends - and they're happy to see me - it's very obvious to me that I'm an alumni. Walking through those hallways I no longer have the social status of a senior. And it's amusing to me when I see the current seniors walking through those hallways thinking they rule the school. And in the meantime they do. But soon enough they will all be off to college and they all think they're so cool for it. Just like we all felt last year. But what they don't know is that when they come back to visit the high school they'll realize that everybody's lives go on without them there and that a new group of seniors have taken over the hallways. When I came to this realization today it didn't surprise me. It felt like this is the way it's supposed to be and honestly I'm okay with that. I don't want to still be in high school. I mean, don't get me wrong, high school was great. But now that I'm out of it, college is so much better and that's where I want to stay.

But with all this comes other changes that are not so easy to accept. A few months ago I realized that my friends from high school ARE my friends from high school. Issues that I have with people from high school ARE issues from high school. When the new year came around I told myself I wasn't going to let these issues interrupt my future and current life or happiness. This is all easier said than done of course and I never thought I was the type to hold a grudge - I always considered myself a very forgiving person - but it turns out that this might not be so true. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I'm a caring person. Sometimes I forgot that not everybody is like me and when someone isn't so caring back it hurts. And when you've been hurt by someone it's not always so easy to forgive and forget. What I could do to move past all this is create a list of people and type out a whole thing saying all that I need to say to each person. And for some people (but not all) these blurbs would turn into more of an apology than anything else. But I'm not going to do that. It would be too emotionally difficult, and honestly, I don't have the balls to do so. So instead, I'm writing this blog and posting the link to it on my facebook so that anybody who cares about my life can read it and maybe see something in between the lines.

So I survived my first real long break from school at home. It wasn't so bad. And going back to school tomorrow I am determined to leave all the shit, all the high school drama, all the grudges, regret, and negativity here in Herricks. I know it isn't a matter of flipping a switch or wiping a slate clean. It isn't an overnight type of thing. It's a process but I've made the decision to start it. And so with this blog I say good bye to all of that. I'm saying good bye to all the baggage I don't want to carry around with me. I'm still going to talk to people from high school and stay in touch with people I want to stay in touch with but I'm going to try and look at them and my issues with them as part of my childhood. (And I had a really wonderful childhood might I add). Almost think of them (and myself) as new people. We're not the same people we used to be. We've all changed. And therefor our relationships are going to change. Hopefully looking at things from this angle will give me the peace I need to accept all of this.

Oh and one more thing - if any of my friends from high school, STAC, American Theater Dance/Eglevsky, or any other place are reading this I just want you to know I love you and miss you all. And thanks.