More lessons

The past week has been filled with a lot of really intense thinking. I guess that's always what happens after someone you love is suddenly gone. My cousin was a teacher and not only because she worked at POBJFK high school, but because she as a person was always filling others with knowledge - even when they didn't know it. Even now, when she's gone, somehow I still feel like I'm learning from her. She was involved with everything. A full time teacher, mother, and husband, in charge of so many after school clubs and activities. She was always on the move. Always had something to do. It's impossible for someone who didn't know her to fully understand what her day was like. Like I said before, she really lived life to it's fullest. She got everything she could out of it. And she enjoyed every second of it. As I sit here and think about my own self, I hope to squeeze as much out of my time here on earth as she did. I have so much school work to do and it could be extremely overwhelming. (Second semester senior? Not a chance? Does that even exist? Ha Ha Ha) But I feel like if my cousin was here to talk to me she would tell me that doing my school work and learning as much as I can are what I should be doing to get the most out of life. I only have 4 more months left of high school, left of Herricks. As insane as it is, I think that studying and reading and doing research is what I should be doing right now to get the most out of my senior experience. I'll only be a high school senior once. And I'm halfway through it. I'll only learn this material once in my life. It would be nice to actually learn it and remember it in the future. Although, I'm not sure if I'll actually remember it. But it's a nice thought.

I think she would also tell me to enjoy the next three weeks of Carousel rehearsals. Especially hell week. My last high school hell week. That's kind of hard to type. This is my eighth show at Herricks. And my last time performing with these group of kids. Some of them I know really well, as I've done so many shows with them and we have become really good friends. But I also wish I had the chance to get to know some of them better. If my cousin could, I think she'd tell me that it's not too late to get to know them. I still have three weeks. There's still time to make a connection. Even if that connection doesn't last once the show is over, the connection still would have been made. And it'll enhance my performance and the experience and make the time we have to spend together much more fun.

It's weird. I love my cousin and I know she loved me. But it wasn't as if I got to see her all that often. She came to see me in a lot of my shows and I would see her at holidays all the time. So it's not like I got to see her everyday and suddenly that's changed. But I still feel weird. I miss her. I guess I miss knowing that she's there where she's always been.

I feel like everything I do now is related to her. I wear a pink bracelet every day now. It gives me comfort a little. She loved music and theater, so when I sing or rehearse, I feel like I'm doing it for her. She loved knowledge so when I do school work I feel like it's for her. Today in Chamber Choir Ms. O'hanlon quoted Rent. She took her seniors to see that show and I'll always remember the first trip she made with them. I was too young to see Rent, but I knew of the show. I thought it was so cool that a high school was allowing its students to go see a Broadway show in the city with their favorite teacher. I have a very strong memory of sitting on the kitchen floor listening to my cousin and my Mom talk about the show and all the reactions that students had. So when she quoted the lyrics, it made me think of her. She's everywhere. Which is quite amazing considering the type of person she was. I wish there was some way for me to fully encompass her persona on here, but there isn't. The closest I can get is the facebook group dedicated to her which currently has 3,456 members and the number keeps going up. She's touched way more than 3,456 people in her lifetime. Not everybody has a facebook. That's only a small percentage of the effect she has had. I know I'll continue to think about her in the future. And right now everything I do is for her. And I'm going to enjoy every second of it and be grateful for everything that gets thrown at me. That's how my cousin lived her life. And that's how I'm going to live mine. She's taught me that.